2016 had Pokemon Go and 2017 has Fidget Spinners. File all of this under stupid shit people are obsessed with. This is not how I imagined the collapse of Western Civilization. It’s like, where are we as a culture if the only way to get people outside is to pretend there are imaginary monsters from their childhood? Maybe humans deserve to go extinct. How far can this stuff go? Now we can all prepare to be even more appalled, because Sephora has decided to sell Fidget Spinner lip balm. It’s called Glamspin, and that sensation you’re feeling right now is called nausea.
First of all, Sephora is supposed to be my happy place. It’s the place where women go to get away from it all, and to sample everything without making a single purchase. If we let Sephora be desecrated, where will we go when we need to spend a few minutes in good lighting wondering what it would be like to get lip fillers? Where will we go when we want to kill time by attempting to contour? The hallowed aisles of overpriced mascara will now share floor space with a fucking gimmick designed for teenage boys whose doctors hadn’t prescribed the right Ritalin dosage.
I’m not an expert on religion – unless having my first kiss at a bar mitzvah counts – but this seems like blasphemy. Maybe we’re being punished for pretending like we’d buy the products just to get the free makeover. But if that’s wrong, I don’t want to be right.
The second betrayal is that Buzzfeed fucking made this product. STAY IN YOUR GOD DAMNED LANE. Write a quiz to tell me which Lip Smackers flavor I am or publish a video of how to make lipstick shaped Rice Krispy treats, but infiltrating Sephora is off limits. This home-ec project gone terribly wrong will be sold in three different fruit flavors for $10 each – aka the price of a bottle of Trader Joe’s wine. I’m not telling you how to live your life, but there’s a right answer and a wrong answer to how you should spent that $10.