113. Eyebrows

Every betch knows that eyebrows are shadily the part of our face that we devote the most attention and mental energy to. Why? Because your eyebrows are your attitude. They define your face. Like please, tell us Jennifer Connelly isn’t just one wax strip away from being only half-annoying?

Is it normal to pay upwards of $100 for someone to remove hair from 2 square inches of your body? Absolutely. Eyebrows are the one part of your face that you can enhance without elective surgery.

gwen stefani

You know someone is a betch based on the kemptness of her brows and how much she cares about them. If you go on vacation with your bestie and she doesn’t immediately have a panic attack at the realization that she forgot her tweezers, sorry betch, but you’ve been besties with a poser.

More about betches and brows:

Whenever in the presence of a unibrow a betch will never never fail to point this obscenity out to her besties. Omg check out that uni.

On the other hand, if you notice your bestie hasn’t been to Mahima the threader in a while, you’ll mention that if you wanted to hang out with Frida you’d go to a museum.

scorceseDirect Goodfellas and then maybe you can get away with this look

Then there’s the sitch when your friend is looking for a reshape and goes to a new aesthetician and comes back looking like Spock. Luke, I am …not your friend.

Everyone knows that this is the only scenario when part of you being too thin is disgusting. At 100 lbs you’re hot, at 100 lbs with paper thin eyebrows, you’re Amy Adams in The Fighter.

Bushy eyebrows are gross, the models who have them in Vogue are in Vogue for a reason. The same way your bushy eyebrows are not in Vogue for a reason.

Finally, It needs to be said that if you ever get a betch to raise an eyebrow, congratulations! You’ve captivated a betch for an entire second. Good for you, when a betch makes this facial expression it indicates she took that moment and stopped thinking about herself to process what you said. Yay.

So, in the wise words of Seinfeld, eyebrows are everything:

Jerry: She’s got great eyebrows; women kill to have her eyebrows. George: Who cares about eyebrows? Jerry: Betches do.

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