Welcome back, betches. Last week there was an Empire episode, that I obvi didn’t know about because it was fucking Thanksgiving and I just assumed that Empire stopped for national holidays. However, I was wrong. Sorry I didn’t get around to writing that recap, I have family and friends who love and adore me and wanted me to spend time with them so they could bask in my amazingness. You should try it.
Anyway, I can sum it up for you throughout this recap, just because I’m like SUCH a good friend. Also, much like this whole season, it really was not that interesting. Omg Britney! Whatttt, you were thinking it?! Yeah, but you said it!
I’ll put it nicely: this half of the season was wack. But let’s get this show on the road, shall we?
It starts with Jason Derulo, which sounds like a cliché line for every bad situation. “Well, it all began with Jason Derulo….” Anyway, JAAAASOOOON DERULOOOO is announcing nominations for the American Sounds Awards, which seems like the fictional Grammys. Shockingly, the world loves songs about gay heartbreak and daddy issues, and Jamal gets nominated for best R&B song.
Hakeem is trying to figure out how to get Cookie’s Cookout to happen, since everyone thinks they are a security risk. Ya know, since Cookie was boning a thug. Last week, all that shit hit the fan and CSI Miami pretty boy hasn’t been seen since. Poor Cookie is a little upset about her fuck buddy being a gang member, but like, we’ve all been there. My fuck buddy in college was a member of the club baseball team, which is like a gang, right?
Cookie and Hakeem are also planning on going to Cookie’s old prison to perform. Sounds like a fucking rager.
Last week we met Skye, who is played by Alicia Keys in a fugly purple wig borrowed from Kylie Jenner, and her and Jamal perform a song together. They share some bullshit about “needing to be themselves” and whatever, and they kiss at the end. That’s right y’all- Jamal is a switch hitter. See, all those years of booty calls with a baseball player and now I can make these references.
Anyway, Jamal and Alicia (I refuse to call her Skye because that sounds like a baby prostitute and it’s Alicia Keys dammit, have some respect) are hanging out being sexually awkward when Lucious walks in and is like ARE U HITTIN THAT? Wow Lucious, such a sensitive way to approach that subject.
Jamal swears to Lucious that he still enjoys his hotdogs without the buns, but Lucious is like “SHE FIXED YOU”, like Jamal is a broken water heater or something. Obvi, Lucious is still hoping for some Jamal grandbabies.
Lucious and Marisa Tomei/Mimi, who is wearing a lion tamer jacket, are talking about Swiftstream, AGAIN. I’m so sick of Swiftstream, Jesus Christ. Lucious goes on a rant about how he hates the board of directors and it doesn’t take a fucking genius to know that Mimi is recording it through her pen. How does Lucious not figure this out?
Evidence there is a recorder in Mimi’s Pen:
1. It’s fucking massive. Like seriously, who owns that large of a pen?
2. She’s damn near shoving it down his throat so the sound is clear.
3. It’s angled perfectly to catch Lucious’ dumb face admitting all this.
Reasons I know this is a camera:
1. I have a fucking brain.
If I have said it once, I have said it a million times, never trust a lesbian who is richer than you. Except Ellen. Goddammit, you will take a bullet for Ellen Degeneres and you will LIKE IT.
She’s like “Lucious, I’m on your side” and it’s like, whhyyyy you lyin? Why you always lyinnnn? Mmmmohmygod, STOP FUCKIN LYIN’.
Also, she says her wife is coming into town? Well that’s a first. I clearly remember you fucking other people all season? Dafuq?
Tiana starts singing and she has dancers on hoverboards- ugh a trend that needs to die. Meanwhile, Cookie and Lucious are exchanging their usual taunts at each other when Cookie asks Lucious if she can use his club to host her cookout and he’s like, lemme think…. NO BITCH.
Hakeem thinks he is going to get “Best Rapper of the World Award” or whatever, and lolz Freda Gatz gets it. Lucious is like “Hakeem maybe winning the battle, but Freda is winning the war.” Since when is two shit-for-brains rappers talking fast without any beat a war? And winning it? That’s like winning a hot dog eating contest- sure technically you won, but you’re still a sweaty, fat piece of shit; So really, are you winning?
Jamal and Alicia perform their PSA song on how we all matter and our skin color is beautiful and whatever social issue Fox tried to cram into a piano balled. Lucious is like- they need this to be song of the year, which apparently is the only award Lucious was never nominated for, awk.
That random gay white guy is back, after being mentioned for like .25 seconds in an episode a few weeks ago. He’s literally only there for diversity purposes and to talk shit to Lucious. He’s actually my favorite character.
Charlamagne Tha God comes out, whoever the fuck that it, and is like YO GREAT SONG ALL ABOUT BLACK POWER MY BROTHA BUT SKYE U AINT EVEN BLACK. Listen bitch, never question Alicia Keys okay? She’s seen some shit. She kept fallin, in and outta love with some shitty dude. Don’t test her.
Alicia Keys is like dafaq, I’m black AF. Charlamagne is like “you never claimed being black Alicia” because apparently in order to be of a certain race you need to check into a database and continue to screaming I’M BLACK LOOK AT ME I’M BLACK for the rest of your life.
Hey Charlamagne, how about you get a real fucking name and stop making me type this gibberish out? Ya fuckin’ dick.
Anyway, Jamal tries to defend her about labels, etc. Tha God is like, well Jamal you gay. That’s your thing. So if you hooked up with a girl people who be pissed because, uh, you gay. And Jamal, Lucious and Alicia are like…. Shit.
And okay, what the fuck does that have anything to do with being black? Like I’m sorry Charlamagne, what crawled up your ass and died? We can all agree, this is the most controversial and confrontational award nomination announcement ever, like damn.
Alicia and her manager are freaking out and Lucious is like it’s cool, this shit will blow over, and everyone is like k, you right. Yes, listen to the murderer.
Last week Lucious bought Andre and his ugly wife Rhonda a mansion, because he’s obsessed with the idea of having a grandson. Weird. Anyway, Andre comes home to their new mansion daddy bought them and is trying to fix the fucked up alarm, which is the most obvious foreshadowing in the world but ok, we’ll go with it Fox.
Anika is coming over, again, to hang with Rhonda, who is finally looking a tad pregnant and Rhonda is like “she’s super lonely” and Andre’s like “let’s invite her to church.” I’d rather die alone.
FYI on Anika, that bitch is insane. She’s really jealous of Rhonda that she’s having a Lyon heir, and that people actually give a shit about her and it’s like, not Rhonda’s fault that she’s so popular and everyone is jealous of her.
So back to Jamal, he has five nominations. Yes, five. And it keeps going. People in Empire world are fucking weird dude. Like seriously, this one song is getting all this attention? THE ONLY SONG THAT DESERVES THAT IS “HELLO” BY ADELE OKAY.
Gay white guy is like “isn’t this every parent’s dream? For their kids to surpass their parents?” You know Lucious is lowkey so pissed rn. How dare his kids work hard and be talented and get what they deserve? He practically invented them, ya know?
Gay White Guy: Don’t you want your kids to succeed?
Lucious instantly screams: FUCK NO
Lucious: LOL JK I LOVE MY BABIES
Jamal shows his Pepsi commercial and Pepsi legit airs a commercial and it’s like, you could fucking put the Lord Baby Jesus in your commercial, I’m still going to drink Coke.
Gay white guy comes back and is like “I want Jamal to be interviewed by the times and talk about how he is gay and successful” and Lucious is like oh whoops Jamal has a girlfriend. Of course they look over right when Jamal and Alicia are talking. Lucious is like, oh my b! I have such a big mouth! Gosh darn it!
Let the sabotage begin.
Meanwhile, Cookie goes back to the prison and has flashbacks of being super suicidal. She walks in in a legit Catwoman suit, and it’s like bitch who you trying to impress? You dating a female gang member too? Or do you just stick to the male ones who kidnap your son?
Also, pretty sure you can’t bring a giant purse into prison. Or like, heels that are so spikey they could be weapons. Idk, I just feel like that’s a thing.
So Cookie tries to get her friend to come perform, but it turns out her friend killed someone over toothpaste so that’s a bust. Bummer. I had a friend do that once in the sorority and she couldn’t go to formal. So sad.
Anika is chilling with Rhonda and being super creepy. Obviously jelly that Lucious gives a shit about their baby. It’s awkward AF and Anika is obvi planning something. If I have said it once I have said it a million times, never trust a girl with hair shorter than a vagina bush.
As you can tell, I have trust issues.
During the Alicia Keys song, she is singing to Jamal and he’s hitting on another dude. Which makes sense, you know, with him being gay as hell and all.
Lucious goes up to announce the Swiftstream partnership and then invites Mimi up to the stage, where she rambles on about her problems and it’s like, no one cares Marisa Tomei just announce the damn music streaming.
She invites her wife up, and it’s Naomi Campbell, who dated Hakeem for a bit and is overall shady AF. So now we have Marisa Tomei, Naomi Campbell and Terrance Howard onstage- is this a has-been party? Did John Travolta get his invite?
When Naomi Campbell shows up, we realize he’s fucked and some shit is going down. OKAY, IT’S NOT JUST ME SAYING THIS- EVERYONE KNOWS YOU DON’T TRUST NAOMI CAMPBELL.
They go to a board meeting and Mimi immediately shows the video of Lucious shit talking the board, which hmmmm, was so easy to foresee.
Mimi decides to hold an emergency meeting to remove Lucious as CEO. One may call this, the Emancipation of Mimi.
Realizing he’s up a creek with this one, he’s like WE NEED TO WOO THESE BOARD MEMBERS AND MAKE THEM FORGET THAT I SHIT TALKED THEM. Those exact words were said at sorority recruitment.
Jamal lets Alicia Keys down easy and is like, sorry I like dick. She’s like OMG TWINSIES! And then that’s the end of that plotline. May it rest in peace, like the other 50 fallen plotlines of this season.
Naomi Campbell shows up to visit Hakeem and Keem is like WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE? He obviously still has feelings for her, which is like so fucking weird because she’s older than his fucking mom.
Naomi tells him she got married for his benefit and that he needs to trust and believe her. Naomi starts telling him basically not to trust his whole family, then puts her hand on his penis….. Oh Laura, Hakeem’s current girlfriend, where art thou?
Hakeem come on man, stay strong. She’s not even an important model anymore! And she is crazy! If you’re gonna dig in the archives for models, at least pick Heidi Klum! Tyra Banks?
Hakeem shows up to the prison and Cookie is like this is a part of me, blah blah. I didn’t know people were so sentimental about prison. She gives an inspiring talk about a bunch of shit, including her “heartbreak.” Listen Cookie, most of these people will never see their family or eat a Chipotle burrito in their life. They literally don’t give a shit.
Hakeem goes up and gives an inspiring talk about how much he loves Cookie, and it’s like duh. Obvi you do. Him and Laura start performing and damn the sound system in the prison is killin it. It’s fucking LIT in here. But it’s like my mama always said, it’s all hip hop and fun until someone gets shanked.
Lucious and his buddies are trying to rally everyone into joining the team to keep Lucious and it’s not looking too hot. Lucky for Lucious, half the board is made up of his own family.
Cookie can’t be at the meeting because she wants to see her toothpaste murdering friend, so she’s allowed to sign her right to vote to someone else. She wants Lucious to remain CEO, because idk she still loves him and whatever. So she is given a choice- have Andre vote, who will undoubtedly vote for Lucious, or have Hakeem vote, WHO FUCKING HATES HIM.
WHO SHOULD SHE PICK? HMMMMM. I WONDER.
Cookie signs over her right to vote to Hakeem which is a fucking terrible idea. Terrible. Why are you thinking that’s a good idea? This show. I swear to fucking god it destroys me.
She’s like Lyon Dynasty is our company but Empire is our legacy. She’s basically saying that they need to help Lucious and Keem’s small little brain is going into overdrive rn.
Cookie goes to visit her murderous friend who is scrubbing toilets. Cookie turns to the guards and are like “can you give us a minute?” and the guards leave. BECAUSE THAT’S REALISTIC. Anyway, Cookie asks the girl to rap and she’s like, nah I don’t do that anymore.
Okay. Glad you missed that super important board meeting for this pointless AF talk.
THE BOARD MEETING- A GAME OF THRONES
Most of the board, minus the one white guy and his own kids, vote no for Lucious to stay in power.
The final vote is with Hakeem, who flashbacks to all the shitty stuff Lucious does to him, then all the times he made out with Naomi. He looks out to the window and sees Cookie and Naomi. Cookie figures out real quick what’s about to happen and yells NO HAKEEM!!!!
But it’s too late, Hakeem is a fucking moron and votes to kick his own dad out. Hakeem, it was a pleasure having you be my favorite character for a season, but unfortunately you have demoted yourself.
If I have said it once, I have said it a million times, don’t trust your own children.
Mimi announces that the CEO position will not be filled by her, but by her wife, Naomi. Cookie goes up to Naomi and spits in her face, making it the most unexpected and best part of the episode.
Lucious is shooting shit in his office and crying, when Cookie tries to comfort him. She swears they will get Empire back, and I’m sure they will, because that’s how fucking obvious this show is.
They decide to go downstairs because they are announcing the “Song of the Year” award. Jamal gets his nomination, then SHOCKER, so does Lucious. Jamal I would sleep with one eye open buddy, because no one is more fucking psycho in this moment than your own father.
Meanwhile, someone is breaking into Andre’s house and the alarm goes off. Rhonda goes to turn the alarm off, and is suddenly THROWN DOWN THE FUCKING STAIRS. YOOOOOOO.
They do a slo-mo of her just falling and rolling down the stairs, until she thuds on the ground, her phone cracked next to her, bleeding out. Naomi Campbell and a broken phone in the same episode? Coincidence? I think not.
No but seriously, it’s very obvious Anika’s crazy ass did that shit. And it’s like, seriously? Do you really want to be a part of the Lyon family that badly that you’ll kill someone? These people are all fucking insane.
I read another recap from some less relevant site that said the reviewer was “screaming” and “in shock” the entire episode. My question is: HOW? That’s like the most textbook episode I have ever seen. Like seriously, people have peed more profound things into snow before.
Empire, you’re going soft on me. Luckily, the preview for next season looked pretty fucking sick, so I still hold hope. See you fucks in April, try not to get fat over the holidays, mmk?