We return to Empire to learn that Lucious has been dismissed of all charges and is now a free man. Wow, that was fast. I feel like this whole season of Empire has been essentially starting plotlines one episode and then ending them the next episode. They are the “hit it and quit it” of plotlines.
They dub Vernon’s death a suicide, which makes literally no sense. Like there was a crack in the back of his skull…like how does that…how can that mean….whatever I’m getting cheese fries.
They want Lucious to make a statement, he’s like, k, and he sends it to Cookie. Basically the whole statement is “YO HATERS CAN KISS MY BLACK ASS” and it’s like, no thank you.
Tiana is in the studio when Hakeem and the new latina girl come in. Idk her name, and at the rate this season is going, her character and plotline will be gone next week anyway.x
Hot Latina asks Tiana if she is hooking up with Hakeem and Tiana is like, nah he’s gross and flirtatious with all the girls. Cue the famous Cookie line- “just like his daddy!”
Lucious makes Andre the president of Gutterlife records, the “out of the hood” program at Empire, and showers Andre with strippers and thugs, which Andre DGAF about.
Jamal is in the studio with Lucious and NeYo (wtf?) and NeYo is like “yo, Mal that was hot.” and Lucious is like, shut up NeYo you ain’t been good since “So Sick.” Either way, Ne-Yo and Jamal decide to go on tour together, which is like, random, but okay.
Ricky Martin comes in and instantly gets his panties wet over seeing NeYo. Seriously Ricky? You’re embarrassing Jamal in front of his friends. Get ahold of yourself. Jamal tells Ricky that NeYo is going on tour too and Ricky damn near starts crying. NeYo’s like, woahhhh I haven’t had a fan who gave this much of a shit since 2009.
Lucious is like, yo leave your flame-boy at home during the tour, you don’t need any distractions. Jamal initially disagrees with his Dad, but you know that punk-ass will cave. What’s an episode of Empire without Jamal acting like Lucious’ bottom bitch, right?
Andre is talking to a gardening preacher in an alley way, casual, and he’s like please father let me get in with the
plastics church. And the preacher is like okay but like, there are some rules:
#1. Don’t talk about Fight Club Church
#2. on Wednesdays we wear pink
#3. You have to confess your sins to your family
Normal people have pretty average sins like “I stole 20 dollars” or some shit like that, but Andre’s sins are more like “YO I MURDERED OUR CLOSE FAMILY FRIEND.” Forgiving Andre’s sin are gonna be like, a tad bit hard.
Andre is like, yeah my family is fucking crazy and also not religious and the preacher is like, well idk maybe you can make church a thing. Make them want to be religious. This is like sorority recruitment: “Make the PNM’s all want to be a Kappa!”
Tiana is standing in front of the label, which is in the straight up hood, and sees these two ghetto ass bitches who ask if they can take a picture with her. While they are taking the picture the more lesbian looking of the two (think the Black girl in Pitch Perfect), pulls out a fucking RAZOR BLADE OUT OF HER MOUTH. Seriously? I cried when I got braces put in and you have a goddamn knife in your mouth?
The whole thing is low-key terrifying and when I become famous I’m never taking a fucking picture with a fan. They end up assaulting Tiana and stealing her purse.
Cookie gets sent a video after the Tiana attack and it turns out that Lyon Dynasty is “marked.” That’s basically saying they are going to be attacked until they pay a bunch of thugs money. “Getting marked” is just ebonics for extortion.
Tom Green, Jamal and Ricky Martin are hanging out and Tom Green is like “gay marriage sucks because marriage sucks because God I’m so single and lonely please love me.” Jamal is drunk AF and is like “Yo, Tom Green you hella crazy bro” and then Tom Green tries to go down on him, in the middle of the fucking club. Have some decency Tom Green- if you’re going to give a blowie to a dude in a club, go to the Men’s bathroom like the rest of us. I mean, seriously, were you raised in a goddamn barn?
Jamal tells Tom Green that he would never cheat on Ricky Martin like that. Also, Tom looks like the kind of crazy that would use a lot of teeth, good call on avoiding that Jamal.
Cookie meets with a concert promoter and he’s all too sure of himself and his ability to protect Cookie from these dudes who want to extort her. Seems sketchy to me, but the dude is really hot so Cookie turns a blind eye. This is why this bitch was in jail for so long.
Porsche shows up with a fucking terrier guard dog named “Whoopty Whoop” and asks for her job back. Cookie gives it to her because Cookie is losing her goddamn touch, that’s why. Bring back mean Cookie.
And hold up, you’ll hire Porsche who can barely spell her own name right and not Anika, who’s like a seasoned expert and has a ton of connections? Look, I was a Business Major for a semester and I can tell you that this is a bad decision.
Anika: Will you take me back?
Cookie: I don’t trust you.
Anika: WTF Porsche literally got you arrested.
Cookie: I don’t understand the question and I won’t respond to it.
Andre tells Blondie that he wants to be baptized and she’s ugh not this bullshit again. She’s in a denim patchwork mini skirt that I haven’t seen since a Britney Spears video in 2007 and looking NOT PREGNANT AT ALL.
Blondie tries to fuck Andre, and I don’t blame her, but then he says something about having a baby and she looks guilty as fuck. Did you seriously lie about being pregnant to avoid your husband turning you in for murder? Because I can’t tell if that’s insanely fucked up or genius.
Cookie and Lucious go to get Vernon’s ashes because Vernon has no other friends. Womp womp. Cookie admits she dosesnt think Vernon killed himself and thinks Lucious hired a goon to kill him. Lucious is like, uhhh define goon?
Cookie is like, Lucious if you have any humanity left in you, you’ll take those ashes. And Lucious is like, nah. I’m good. Thanks anyway!
Andre goes to Lucious’ office and the creepy lawyer is there asking about Anika and Cookie. Andre is a real dick to him and doesn’t trust him at all, which makes sense. He looks like a voodoo practicing motherfucker though, I wouldn’t get on his bad side.
Jamal tells Ricky Martin he doesn’t want him on tour and Ricky starts acting like a PMSing little bitch and is like ARE WE IN AN OPEN RELATIONSHIP NOW!? Literally, no, those words were never mentioned, you’re just fucking crazy.
Jamal is struggling in the in the studio because of this distraction and NeYo convinces and Jamal to take Ricky on the tour, partially for love and partially so Ricky will shut the fuck up for like 3 seconds.
Meanwhile, Hakeem tries to hit on hot latina and she’s like “I’m not that type of girl.” Basically saying, I’m not a slut, sorry to disappoint. And she leaves the studio. Girl, you know people are getting attacked out there? You fuckin’ crazy.
Cookie and the concert promoter are at the recording studio, drowning us in awkward old people sexual tension, when Porsche’s guard dog starts barking. They go to find two dudes trying to rob Cookie and Cookie/the promoter both whip out their guns.
They asked the dudes who sent them, and they say it was Lucious’ creepy ass lawyer, which makes sense because they were trying to steal music. Cookie and the Club Promoter both giggle at the fact that they both have guns and act like packing heat is just the cutest fucking thing in the world. When your crush carries a gun just like you do, Things Girls Do <3
Jamal has a party and catches Ricky Martin getting a blowjob by Tom Green. Why is this crackhead still relevant? And we know that Ricky probs has the herpes now, so you can kiss that peepee goodbye.
Andre gets Jamal and Keem to meet up to confess his sins. Jamal is like, look I really don’t wanna do this rn. I have a hangover, my boyfriend is a cheating doucheface, can this meeting be moved? and Andre’s like NOPE.
Andre confesses that he was the one who got Jamal held up at gunpoint last season, not Hakeem. Hakeem gets surprisingly defensive of Jamal and is like “wait, Mal could have died!!” Andre’s like, I know, my b.
He apologizes genuinely and asks them to come to his baptism. Keem is like imma be dere, and Jamal is like yo, they don’t exactly shit rainbows at the church. But whatever, I’ll probs go too. Jamal would have way too much FOMO if he didn’t.
Andre is talking to Lucious about the lawyer coming to rob Cookie and how that’s fucked up and Lucious DGAF. Andre is still doing this “repenting my sins” bullshit and admits to Lucious that he helped Cookie blackmail him last season.
He also admits that he tried to kill himself to get back at Lucious. Lucious is a little shaken by that, but is back to being an asshole in .5 seconds when he tells Andre that he won’t go to the baptism because Andre needs to “man up.”
Keem finds the hot latina and apologizes for hitting on her. Hakeem is really starting to grow on me, why is this happening? He lets her get a ride in his town car while he walks on the street. Does he not understand that people are trying to fucking kill him? Does no one get that?
Lucious and Chris Rock’s daughter are in the studio rapping about her daddy. She’s not rapping very well, per usual, and Lucious is like “your daddy is a good man, blah blah” and he is talking from experience. He knows her dad super well. He murdered him. They are practically besties.
However, hearing these shitty raps about a dead gangster of whom he executed, Lucious decides to get a conscious and attend Andre’s baptism.
Lucious shows up and about a million jokes about him being the devil are made. They aren’t far off. If you wanted to be really scary this Halloween, dress as Lucious Lyon. Because we’d have to all assume that you’re a murdering rapist.
While Andre is getting his head dunked in the holy water, Lucious has flashbacks of being “baptized” by Kelly Rowland, who is his mom, even though it looks more like a drowning. I would rather drown than listen to Kelly Rowland, so Lucious needs to stop fucking complaining.
Either way, Lucious leaves mid-baptism, making Andre upset. God’s up in heaven going “smdh, I’m your father now, Andre.”
The episode ends with some beautiful gospel music and you’re just about to turn off the TV when it shows Hakeem running shirtless in a very crowded park. He turns a corner and then is attacked by three dudes. WHAT. WHAT THE FUCK.
They haul Hakeem, who is a very famous person running in a very public park, into a fucking minivan and tell him basically that he’s about to die. Because shit like this happens everyday. And then it ends. WHY EMPIRE WHY.