Welcome to Literally the Worst, an occasional column wherein I shit on all the shit that’s shitty. Are there things you hate? Chances are, I do too. Hit me up at email@example.com. This week:
This. Fucking. Email:
date: Wed, Aug 6, 2014 at 3:43 PM
subject: please publish and respond ASAP. Thanks 🙂
Dear Head Pro,
I have a completely obsessive personality and when it comes to men, it gets the best (/WORST) of me.
The latest involves a guy I met after seeing his post on Craigslist for tickets to a HEAT game. I sent him a few texts and we made a deal on the pair of tickets. When he showed up to deliver the tickets, and I took a quick but thorough look, I was hoping he’d pull out a diamond rock instead of tickets. He was just totally my type and I needed more than just tickets.
He pulled up in a Beamer, dressed so casual and chic and was just so cute and friendly, I couldn’t stop chatting him up. After about 10 minutes, I walked away gushing. I told myself that if he didn’t text me later that night, I would be the man and hit him up. Luck was on my side and when the game ended he messaged me. He continued the next morning, and the next day and the next. So here I am, thinking I’m winning….
After 5 days I make a comment implying that we go to a game together and he tells me he has a girlfriend. Like really? Then why were you asking for pics, asking my plans and being FAF (flirty as F)? So I went the unbetchy route and told him I was into him needed to see him before I flew home. He refused. I actually felt better with this rejection since I have never been so upfront with a guy before and I live in another city.
Fast forward 10 weeks, and he’s single, depressed, and angry. The conversations resume but cracking his depression proved to be a daunting task. Three months later I return to his city and we hang out a few times, as friends…. (like F me now UGHHHHHH) I am proud to say that 7 months later I am less obsessed than day 1, but I still want this guy. He’s still depressed, he’s 10 years my senior, he is balding, he has no job and no real plans to find one anytime soon, and his parents recently cut him off. He even explained that his financial situation has digressed so much that he is only middle class. But I still want him to be mine………
Please tell me I’m delusional and pathetic so I can move on. Asking for a slap on the face and some deep bullying to get this hottie out of my head.
Girl that wants a balding, unemployed, depressed, middle class man