Electric Zoo Review: I Can’t Feel My Legs After EZoo, And I Love (Hate) It

This weekend, this betch went to Electric Zoo, which shall from this point onward be referred to as EZoo, as the kids call it. I know what you’re thinking: “Ew, isn’t EZoo for 16-year-olds who just want to get fucked up and puke all over the place?” Not so fast—while there were a few children there (not counting myself, who looks like a 16-year-old but is assuredly not), this festival was mostly populated by adults. But more on that later. It’s time for me to talk about how awesome this festival was write my review.

The Location

EZoo was on Randall’s Island—I don’t know if that’s different from past years, because I’ve never gone before. Sure, I could have easily looked that up. Sue me. Anyway, for a betch who prefers camping festivals, the location was about as good as it could have gotten. It was remote enough that I wasn’t crammed in the middle of midtown or some shit, but close to the city enough that I could walk there (Queens for the win). I also appreciated that it wasn’t in a giant parking lot, but advertised as being in a stadium. Not naming any names here, you festivals know who you are.

The Atmosphere

Electric Zoo 2

They did a pretty good job with what they were working with (i.e., not an expansive space like a farm). The stages, while nothing that special or elaborate, were cool-looking enough and went with the Wild Island theme. The jungle stage was dope af; they really went all out for that tiny tent/stage for some reason. I also appreciated the brightly colored animal statues in one area of the grounds, and the LED giraffe. Hands-down the biggest complaint was there was NOWHERE TO FUCKING SIT. There was like, one tiny-ass hill everyone crammed on. Sure, you could just park your ass anywhere on the ground, but you would risk getting stepped on since aside from the hill, literally everywhere was a pathway to another stage. Festival organizers, if you’re reading this, WE NEED MORE GRASS. No I don’t mean weed. But if you could get that legalized that’d be cool too.

The Music

This was what we all came for obviously. I will attempt to run down my favorite artists’ sets and describe them in one sentence because I’m not a professional music critic (as much as I like to act like one) and I don’t have all day. These are in no particular order other than my memory.

Juicy J: Random AF booking. Came for “Bandz A Make Her Dance” and was not disappointed.

Big Gigantic: Groovy and amazing.

Tiësto: I would have preferred Tie-less-to of Tiësto. Did your dad write that joke? Maybe.

Hardwell: He killed it and was a great closer for the weekend, but his drops got repetitive.

The Chainsmokers: The loves of my life and the reason I continue to get up in the morning.

Bassnectar: Truly on a level of his own. I figuratively died. My bestie literally cried. Lives were changed. Who am I?

Flux Pavilion: Nasty af, in a good way. We also interviewed him so stay tuned to hear about how he composes dubstep—actual quote.

3LAU: Incorporated the Backstreet Boys into his set which is always a winner in my books. Plus we like invented him, so obvi he’s great. Interview coming soon!

Steve Aoki: His graphics were literally his face and all I could think about was that email from that girl from Duke who fucked him.

Porter Robinson: Not my thing, but everyone around me was v moved.

Cash Cash: Super fun and you should check out their new album; Nelly’s on it. We also interviewed them; keep your eyes peeled.

Datsik: Pretty sure I dropped by but who can fucking remember after 3 full days?

The Polish Ambassador: He was jamming onstage by himself and having a great time, which was a shame because they honestly set him up for failure by putting him at the same time as Porter and Steve Aioki.

Rain Man: I definitely fuck with his music—sorry, Krewella.

Fuck it, that’s more than enough. Has anybody actually read this far?

The Crowd

Ezoo 4

I’ll say it: the Sunday crowd was too fucking much—I don’t enjoy having to literally fight my way to the bathroom. Last time I checked, I didn’t sign up for the Hunger Games. The Saturday crowd was way too many bros trying to hit on me and my friends. Who the fuck goes to a music festival to try to pick up a girl (and not even offer her drugs first)? Friday crowd was hands-down the best. Water was shared. Friendships were made. Memories will be cherished. I love you guys. Especially because there were less of you overall than the other days.

Miscellaneous Complaints/Parting Comments

Not enough DJs remixed “Panda”—it’s too soon for Pandamonium to be over already. Other than that, I’m good. I think I’m getting too old for this shit.


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