Halloween might be high holiday for betches but you still don’t want to look like you’re TTH when it comes to getting a costume. Let’s be real, you’ll look hot no matter what you wear, and you probably won’t wear much TBH. Unless you’re going to Heidi Klum or Adam Levine’s Halloween party (in which case take some pics, sounds fun), you’re not going to spend that much on your outfit and you def don’t want to buy a shitty nurse costume that every other girl at your party is going to be wearing too. Never fear, we’re here to help. Here are a few costume ideas to help you out that are easy to do while still keeping you looking like an above-average slut.
Wear your cut-off shorts, a wifebeater or trashy crop top, throw on a pair of wings, and go crazy with the glitter. Get a sheet of temp tattoos and go trailer park crazy with them. The more rainbow and glitter you have on, the better. You might be a mistake, but you’re a cute one.
Everyone’s been a cat, but they’re usually always black. You’re more of an indoor cat, like the kind they’d feature in a Fancy Feast commercial. Yeah, you’re a Covergirl cat. Get your most Mad Men-inspired 50’s housewife dress out and get dolled up like your husband’s on his way back on a train back to Westchester or where you live. Put that apron on and hope doesn’t have a mistress in Manhattan.
An After Photo
You know those before and after photos? You’re obviously an after photo. Wear literally whatever you want, then throw an “AFTER” sign on, or write it on an old crop or white T you don’t want, and you know, glow like you always do.
Hipster Disney Princess
Disney Princesses are overrated and honestly it’s a little disturbing to see Snow White wearing garters. And it’s not like you’re ever going to wear your Cinderella lingerie again, unless you’re into cartoon sex in which case, gross. But you have enough hipster shit from going to Coachella that you can color code it to the Disney Princess you half want to be. Ariel gets purple and green, Belle gets yellow, Cinderella gets blue, you get it. Suspenders, frame-only glasses, some Kafke and Sedaris and you’re good to go.
An American Apparel Ad
Put on your favorite outfit from American Apparel, strap on a fanny pack, and slip on some tube socks. Do your hair in a way that leaves people wondering whether you just woke up or whether you were just attacked. If you’re in a relationship, you can have you boyfriend go as Terry Richardson. Even if you don’t, it shouldn’t be too hard to attract a few pervs over the course of the night.
Who says death has to be scary? Put on your little black dress and accessorize with black things like fishnets, chokers, boots, and whatever else will make you look like a goth queen dominatrix. If someone asks you where your scythe is, tell them you blacked out and lost it. You are slutty death, after all.
Slutty Keanu Reeves
Throw a pair of sunglasses and a leather jacket on and ask people if they want to take the red pill or blue pill. This one might attract a lot of men’s rights activists, so be prepared to get into some fights. People also might think you’re a drug dealer, so beware of cops. But you can stop bullets with your mind, so you’ll be fine. Oh, bring a spoon around with you too—sure, why not. And when anyone asks you what the spoon’s for, just say “the spoon’s not really there, but we can still spoon.”
A Mouse, Duh
OK so this probs isn’t in your closet YET, but it could easily be. Shop Betches has you covered with the easiest (and still slutty) costume of all: our “I’m A Mouse Duh” oversized T-shirt dress. Throw it on, slap on a pair of ears and heels, and boom—you’re a mouse. Duh.