Full disclosure: Yes I know I’m a complete moron for still being with this guy, I just need you to tell me I’m being a complete moron too.
I know what you’re thinking: “What Do You Mean?”
Two years ago, I noticed that my boyfriend was acting shady af. Like he would totes make Slim Shady look like fireworks on the Fourth of July kinda shady. Being Miss Congeniality and all, I knew something was afoot. Okay fine I also spent hours stalking him. What? Like it’s hard? Not literally, but like on Facebook and Google tho (LinkedIn is totally the new Facebook). I also got my guy best friend to follow her on Instagram (she blocked me, lol) so I could laugh at all her contemplative quotes and hipster ootd poses in all its glory. Needless to say they were screenshotted and disseminated for dissection and ridicule (I mean..duh?).
Because I’m also your regular psycho, my friend and I camped out across the road from his office during lunch break. We saw him with the girl I suspected him of cheating on me with. My friend told me to wait it out and see what happens. But I must have eaten a Kalteen bar or five because and I was so fuelled with anger I catapulted over. This scum sucking road whore ran away faster than you can fake cough “slut”. Which was clearly an admission of guilt no?
My lowlife boyfriend convinced me that I was being crazy and that she was just a friend. He made me feel like I’m insecure and jealous, which I will neither admit nor deny. I went home dejected and feeling like I needed a year long vacay in Radley Sanitarium, but I just couldn’t let it rest.
PSA: Father forgive me for the sins I’m about to confess (think My Crazy Ex-Girlfriend). This chick’s known to be the resident hoe. A couple of my friends have been friends with a lot of benefits with her, so I was less than surprised that she was whoring herself out again. I sent her a text asking her if we could talk. She told me that he said we were broken up (as if!) and that I was just trying to get back together with him. I don’t know how oblivious this chick is because I’m all over his Facebook page, profile picture and all, and we regularly meet up for lunch near his office and after work. She also told me that he ended things because her family wouldn’t accept her for who she is (she’s dirt broke, suckaaa!). I mean is this chick for real? She kept saying that we’re both victims here, why would you want to be with a guy like that. And my personal favorite: “When you meet him at the office, who is he with? What does that tell you?” I don’t know if she’s just saying shit to get me to dump him, or if my boyfriend is a complete tool. I’m pretty sure he would never say something like that to her, not to her face anyway!
Before you totally judge me in all of my lunacy, let me just add on to it so you can take it all in and call the hospital: I also contacted her best friend and her ex (we’re friends now btw, we totally got drunk on tequila and our hatred for the adulterous two). Her best friend told me that she really wanted him to take her on as his girlfriend but he wouldn’t budge, and she gave him an ultimatum. It was either her, or me. Obvi he picked me I guess. Apparently after she came back from Australia (lucky bitch), my boyfriend just stopped talking to her completely and she never got her answers. She left the firm after that to start a new life. Good thing she did or I would make my boyfriend quit. Either that or I would barge into the office.
After two years, I still don’t know what actually went down between them, and I’ll probably never know—but this has been hanging over our fucked up relationship for the past two years. He’s been really nice to me since, and he really seems to want to make things work but clearly I have an insane amount of hate. I mean I’ve never actually contemplated killing her but let’s just say that if a school bus were about to run her over I’m not about to warn her!
I guess what I really want to know is: “Is it too late to say Sorry?” In all seriousness, I just want to know the truth. Is she delusional or am I? Do I let dead dogs lie? Should I forgive him, or nah?
I apologise for the lengthy post, but by now you should expect nothing less.
From one betch to another,
Dear Cypress Hill (cause you insane in the membrane),
K. You spent so much time and words trying to be funny and awkwardly inserting gratuitous references that you left out many key details to the story. Like, next time please do me a favor and refrain from smoking crack before emailing me. Kthx.
I’ll do with this what I can. Yeah, I can see why you’re with your BF because the both of you sound like fucking psychopaths. What I gathered from this ego-masturbatory novel is that you felt threatened by your BF’s coworker (whether or not she’s a hoe is irrelevant), and not only does it sound like he shadily gaslighted you (yes, it’s my fave new buzzword), but he also seems to have been dating the two of you at the same time??? And you stuck it out for TWO more years after this episode? I have to honestly ask: WTF is wrong with you? Don’t tell me now, I mean like, seriously think about that. Maybe on a comfy couch. In therapy. I can give you the number of my therapist.
I mean it’s SO OBVIOUS you should not be with your at-best-Shady-McShadester-at-worst-John-Tucker-ass boyfriend. Helen Keller could see that. I’m really struggling to figure out why you’re still together two years later. You managed to send me a full 824 words (yes, I did check) but not once did you say anything positive about your boyfriend. You called him “shady,” a “lowlife,” and you even admitted that your relationship is fucked up. So…
IDK if you just get off on the drama or what, but you will not get my co-sign on this
relationship fuckery. You know what you need to do.
LinkedIn Will Never Be The New Facebook,
Got a fucked-up problem only The Betches can solve? Email us at firstname.lastname@example.org and you just might get a response. And check out more dating advice in our new book, I Had A Nice Time And Other Lies, available for preorder now.