Dear Betch, I Got Plastered On New Years and Ruined Everyone’s Lives. Help!

Dear Betch,

Basically my New Years went a little something like this:

So, I went with my boyfriend, his friends, and one of my girlfriends to Hofstra and partied at some random frat house. My one friend is more stoner than drinker so she drove and then drove us back about around like 1 ish because were like nah lets not sleep at this ratch frat house. So anyway, I guess I thought that since it was New Years why not get shit faced as phuck because my boyfriend was there anyway so it’s not like he’d yell at me for blacking out (not that I really care tbh).

SO on the way back I threw up in my friend’s car, all over the rug and her seats which are not leather (oops sry) and she hates me right now and has a stick up her ass about it. So does her mom bc she had to hose it down when they got back.

Then i got dropped off at my boyfriend’s where him and I were just going to sleep. However I was so fucked up I started freaking out because i couldn’t find my phone which had my college ID, my credit card, and my license in it. So he was obviously v fucked up too and wouldn’t help me look. So my drunk rationale thought it would be best to leave his house bc i was mad? So since his room is in the basement i went out his window bc it led to the ground outside. and i knocked the window off the hinges, he thought i wouldn’t actually leave so he just went to sleep. Meanwhile i then walked from his house barefoot to my friend’s house where my car was parked LOL MY FEET BASICALLY FROZE OFF BC IT WAS LIKE 20 DEGREES NOT EVEN LOL!!!!

I made it to my friend’s house (it’s about 4 AM at this point) and then decided it would be a good idea to drive back to my boyfriend’s. I got there (its about a 2 min drive but the walk obvi sucks when barefoot in the freezing cold) and then tried to go back through the window. I ended up BREAKING THE WINDOW and then he wouldn’t wake up bc he was ptfo hammered af so then i was like damn where am i going to sleep. So then i DROVE HOME. My bf wakes up the next morning with a broken window not knowing that i left and thinks i’m missing or dead bc he called my friend and she was like her car is gone she must have drunk drove (luckily my house is like a 4 min drive from my bf). My bf is mad ab his window as is his mom, my bf thinks i’m  a psycho drunk who broke his window on purpose bc i was mad and thinks i can’t handle my alcohol at school so no longer trusts me, and my friends are all mad at me for drunk driving and going missing.

So betch, please, help me get rid of my psycho drunk bitch title and fix this mess (literal mess of vomit and broken glass).

Your’s truly,

Psycho Drunk Betch

Dear Hot Mess,

Holy shit, are you serious? You should be like, #1, thanking God you didn’t get a DUI or like, killed. and #2, throwing your check book (and dignity) at the feet of multiple people. JFC. Unlike blackout betch from the last email, your actions actually affected people other than yourself (and, like, that anonymous person’s floor, but meh). You need to apologize to your friend and offer to pay for cleaning her car, like it’s literally the least you can do. I’m sure you wouldn’t be thrilled if you offered to DD on NYE like a fucking saint and were rewarded by your friend vomming all over your back seat. The same goes for your bf’s window, you should be offering to pay (or at the v least contribute) to get that fixed. Also, are you all living with your respective parents?? I’m only saying that bc of the amount of times moms were mentioned in this email. It’s one thing to break your bf’s window in some shitty apartment he rents or whatever, but his mom’s window?? Yeesh. You’re gonna have to do a hell of a lot more than apologize to make her not hate you. Maybe offer to be her personal slave for the rest of your life, IDK. I’m praying for you tho [prayer hands emoji].

As far as the drunk driving goes, don’t do it again. That should, I hope, go without saying. Also, yeah, apologize to your friends and bf (again) for scaring them and putting yours and innocent people’s lives at risk, do I even  need to be saying this?? But when you apologize you like, actually need to take responsibility for it. The reason all your friends are furious is because (shocker) they care about you, so drink less until you can get drunk without nearly becoming the next Teresa Halbach. Okay, so that analogy wasn’t really at all relevant, I just want you all to know I finished Making a Murderer. And that I don’t want you, random internet person, to die. I don’t want that kind of blood on my hands.

Like, I don’t wanna sound like a middle-school D.A.R.E presentation, but if this isn’t a wake-up call that you maybe can’t handle your alcohol as well as you think you can, IDK what is. We all have bad nights, but like…this is pretty bad tbh. Time to reevaluate your life choices.

Also, Hofstra, really?

The Betches

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