Drake Shaved His Beard, And Nothing Will Be The Same

2016 has been the year of celebrity deaths, but this weekend marked the most tragic one so far: the death of Drake’s beard. He shaved it for SNL, which is the most effort anybody has put into that show in a decade.

In most cases, beards are fugly—especially if they’re of the neck beard variety. A girl only needs to get beard burn once after making out to demand that boys shave. But in Drake’s case, the beard was transformative. It was like the physical manifestation of a bar mitzvah. In other words, it turned a boy into a man. It was beautiful, and we are so fucking sad to see it go.

What’s most surprising is that Drake only grew the beard a year ago. It’s been a new development, but it just seems to be an integral part of his brooding personality now. It’s kind of like when you got your braces off. You were a new woman, and nobody remembered the braces years after you blossomed.

Without the beard, Drake is just a stage 5 clinger who needs to delete his exes’ phone numbers. With the beard, Drake is the one that got away. Is it shallow? Yes. Is it true? Also yes. Let’s just pray it grows back quickly.


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