Every year around the first week of January, all the boring losers decide that for whatever reason, in order for it to be ‘their year’ this year, they’re going to give up drinking alcohol. Lol, good one. Sober January (or Dry January, or Boring AF January) has been around for years, and every year we are reminded of why we are better than everyone else and how it must suck to have to live your life according to made up rules just to get closer to perfection.
This year, however, we’ve decided we’re bored with your sober January and we’re responding with our own themed month. We officially declare the first month of this year as DGAF January. That’s right, because we get that you want to start the year off on the right foot, so start it with the betchiest attitude in the book: not giving AF.
Like Don Draper has said, it’s not a drinking problem until you have to cut back on your drinking. Likewise, the basic bitches giving up alcohol for sacrificial good karma to get blackout the rest of the year are not doing themselves or anyone around them any favors. And to be clear if you actually have a problem staying sober, we’re not talking to you. Get right, get help, that’s cool. But if you actually did have a problem, we doubt you’d be announcing you’re only giving up drugs/alc for one month. I mean, that’s just lazy.
Is it hard to stay sober for a month? No. We’re pretty sure we did this for several years growing up, and we still had fun. But is it necessary to stay sober for a month? Instead, we propose that you take January to assert yourself as queen of the universe. This month is all about not following rules that someone on the internet decided you should. Sleep in, go out late, eat whatever the fuck you want, and then still get shit done. January is about killing it at life without having to restrict yourself to anything.
You want to travel more? There’s two three day weekends coming up. Book a fucking flight to Ibiza. While everyone’s hitting the gym for exactly two weeks, don’t change a thing about your routine. Why should you? You already look great.
While you’re busy not giving AF, you’ll be totally in control of your life while the Sober January Janes around you struggle to even get through a second date sans Pinot. Sorry bout it.