Detoxing After Gorgefest: Butternut Squash Soup

Hopefully, you don’t plan to eat THAT much at Thanksgiving. I mean, this isn’t a free-for-all. A true betch would exercise self control, eating only a piece or two of turkey and eyeballing which tablespoon of carbs she’d allow herself. But, if you lose control and need to get your betchy diet back on track, here’s a recipe that’ll help: butternut squash soup.

Previously discussed as a betchy part of soup season, butternut squash soup is insanely easy to make at home and requires pretty much no effort.


If you don’t own an immersion blender, I suggest you go fucking buy one or convince your parents you need it. Otherwise, you need a regular blender or Ninja or whatever you use to make kale juice these days.

  • 1 2-3 lb butternut squash, peeled and seeded (you can also buy the precut shit – just make sure you have 2-3 lbs of it)
  • 2 tbsps unsalted butter
  • 1 medium yellow onion, chopped
  • 6 cups low-sodium chicken (or vegetable) stock
  • Half of a granny smith apple, diced (optional – use if you want a slightly sweeter soup)
  • Nutmeg
  • Handful of fresh sage, chopped
  • Salt & pepper, to taste

If you bought a whole squash, cut it into 1-inch chunks. In a large pot, melt the butter and sauté the onion over medium heat until it becomes translucent (that means see-through) in about 7 minutes. Add the squash and stock and simmer until the squash is pierced easily with a fork – about 15-20 minutes.  During this time, you can either a) sit and reflect on how ashamed you are of eating so fucking much on Thanksgiving or b) sit and think about how to avoid eating so fucking much on Thanksgiving.

Now there are two ways to go forward:

If you DO have an immersion blender, place the fucking soup in the blender and blend. Boom, you’re done. Season with salt, pepper, nutmeg, and sage.  Enjoy your soup.

If you DO NOT have an immersion blender, use a slotted spoon to remove the pieces of squash and place them in a blender – puree. Return the blended squash to your pot. Season with salt, pepper, nutmeg, and sage.

Notice that this version has no fucking cream or heavy cream or super duty half and half or whatever people think they need to make shit taste better. I mean, you can add it, totally, but you def don’t need it. How can you possibly lose that three pounds if you’re indulging in cream and carbs?


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