Last night on The Bachelorette, DeMario got exposed for the fuckboy he is when his ex-girlfriend (loose interpretation of the word “girlfriend”) confronted him. Getting busted happens to most fuckboys eventually, although usually not on national TV. Tbh, I wish they would get confronted on national TV because then we’d know who to watch out for. I guess that’s why male rompers were invented? IDK.
Anyway, watching DeMario get read was v entertaining because it’s nothing we haven’t seen before. It’s exactly what happens to any girl whenever she tries to call a guy out on his shit. So that’s why I’m going to do a very scientific breakdown of this scene, because it was golden. Bravo, ABC. Now that you’ve reached Kristen Doute levels of craziness and flown some random bitch out to LA to confront some guy on national television, what won’t you do for ratings? I think I know the answer.
These are the stages of every guy getting accused of something he did. Guys, you’re not that fucking smart.
Stage 1: Feigned Confusion
“New phone, who dis?” “I never DM’d that girl, I don’t even know who that is.” Or in this case, “New show, who dis?” First DeMario tries to be like “Who are you?” which is maybe a viable move for murder suspects who are under interrogation, but really does not fly here. His exact words were, “OHHHH! Who’s this?” Come on, you know who this is. We all saw the brief look of recognition on your face. Like, you really expect anyone to believe some random girl claimed to know and have fucked you so she could take off work and fly out to a filming of The Bachelorette? Dude, no. You’re not even famous. Nobody would do that.
Also you can totally tell this expression of, “Oh shit, what have I done?”
Stage 2: Gaslighting
“This chick is psycho!” — Every guy who’s ever been accused of something he KNOWS VERY WELL he did. Since the “I don’t know her” card didn’t go over well, the only thing left is to discredit the girl and make her look psycho. “I met her many many times ago,” he says. Like, the fuck does that mean? “Many, many times ago” is not a proper convention of time. That doesn’t mean anything. What are you even talking about?
Stage 3: “I Would Very Much Like To Be Excluded From This Narrative”
“This is personal life stuff,” says the guy who willingly signed up for a dating show. It doesn’t work that way, boo boo. You don’t get to shield your personal dating life from the camera when the whole point of this show is to follow your dating life. NICE TRY, TAYLOR SWIFT. Not gonna work.
Stage 4: Lie, Lie, Lie Some More
This is the last-ditch attempt to try to come out on top. The Hail Mary. DeMario knows he can’t lie about knowing this girl, so all he can do is lie about the way things went down. DeMario, like any murder suspect who’s just been hit with the news that his alibi just cracked, tries to fudge the timeline. “I went to your house and called it off”, “It was before we were official so it doesn’t count”, “We were on a break”—it’s all the same tactic. He knows he fucked up but is now trying to get off on a technicality.
Stage 5: “It Is What It Is”
The final stage is acceptance. He fucked up. You know it. He knows it. Chris Harrison knows it. So the only thing left to do is accept it in the douchiest way possible: “It is what it is.” Show me a fuckboy who’s never uttered this sentence and I’ll show you a fucking liar. Just look at this face. This is the face of grim acceptance of a guy who knows he’s not getting this pussy:
Just look at his face. Really look at it.
I would bet my life savings that I know what DeMario’s internal monologue was at that moment, and his internal monologue was “Hello darkness my old friend.”