Dear Betch…

Dear Betch,

I see a lot of delusional daters writing in about their problems with bros… I have an issue that I am writing on behalf of my big sis/bestie/roommate, because if I have to listen to her bitch about the bro she's obsessed with for one more fucking second I am seriously going to lose my shit. And not in the betchy way (#139).

We just graduated from college, she has a job in PR and I have a job my dad got for me that basically requires I stand around looking pretty all day, which is great. Point is, fun as college was, our sorority days are behind us. Yet she is STILL effing hung up on the SAB she hooked up with for the last two years of college. He treats her like garbage, routinely tells her he “cares” about her but doesn't like her enough to actually make her his girlfriend, and pretty much only talks to her when he's drunk. Last night, she literally drove to his parents house (where he lives STILL even though we have graduated) to pick up his drunk ass and bring him home to our place, then gave him even more drinks to have sex with him. This is after 2 months of them not talking because she was supposedly “over it.” Jokes, for the last two months I've had to listen to her whine incessantly about how she just doesn't understand why he won't make it official when he clearly cares about her so much… UGH.

I can't even call bullshit one more time, because clearly however I am telling her that he is just not that into her isn't resonating. PLEASE tell me how I can get my bestie to drop this loser for good-not even for her sake at this point, but because I literally cannot take one more night of listening to her bitch when we get home from work. I don't want to be a shitty friend but seriously, I'm exhausted enough when I get home from not doing work all day, I can't take this shit.


Shit, Am I Turning Into a Nice Girl??

Dear Shit, Am I Turning Into a Nice Girl??

We've all had to deal with the delusional dating bestie who is continuously hung up on a guy who everyone but her knows has and will always continue to treat her like shit. The hardest part about this situation is watching your friend who you're supposed to respect act really pathetic and continue to let this guy walk all over her.

However, there are some people who will never be able to cut shit off with the Won't Go Away because they're just that special kind of SAB who has mastered the way into locking himself into this betch's mind. We suggest you show her this article, tell her that this guy will never change, and insist that if she keeps hooking up with him that she's going to have to find someone else to bitch about it to because you've already given your opinion and don't feel like repeating yourself/watching her self-destruct for what seems like an endless period of time. She has the right to hook up with whoever she wants but you also have the right to not want to hear this shit anymore and to say that to her face. Maybe that will be the wakeup call she needs to realize he's just not that into her.


The Betches

Dear Betch,

I’m starting to have a BIG problem. Literally. I’ve always been very thin, active, and overall very comfortable in my body (aka fucking hot). Recently however, I’ve been under more stress then I ever have been in my entire life and have been coping by eating. Anxious? Chocolate. Looking to Procrastinate? I’ll meet a pro out for drinks.

Top that off with my current lack of exercise and it makes it pretty clear that my calorie intake is not in my favor. I feel like there’s an underlying emotional issue to all of this behavior, but gaining weight is making me feel so unbetchy and weak. At first, it was pretty easy to hide, but let’s be real you can’t keep an emerging muffin top a secret when you’re wearing body-con skirts every weekend.  And my herve? Please, I’m sure you more than anyone knows you have to be perfection for that shit. I feel like Regina George when she has to wear those fugly velour sweat-pants. Except at the end of the scene Rachel McAdams gets to take off her sad excuse for a fat suit while I’m still getting…ugh can’t even say it.  The biggest reality check came when I was referred to as “curvy” –then I knew that I had to make a change like yesterday.

I guess my question is how do I snap the fuck out of this? I’m not trying to be the Betty Draper of my group and I feel pathetic abusing food the way I have. I need to get my thin, fab life back.

Hugs if You Could Fit Your Arms around Me,


Dear Betty,

It sounds like you've mastered the first step on the road to fat recovery: admitting you have a problem. Now while some of us are lucky enough to include loss of appetite as a coping mechanism for stress, others are not so fortunate. Stress eating is probably a lifelong problem you'll encounter so it's best to address that issue along with your current weight gain.

It sounds like you know exactly what to do. Just stop fucking eating. Print out a picture of yourself when you were thin, go to the gym, and wear a bikini as much as humanly possible. Those things are usually natural ways to curb your appetite. Also, find some other way to deal with stress besides eating and drinking. Try working out or watching a funny movie. Realizing you're your own worst enemy and that your habits are making you the fattest girl at your bestie's pool is the first step to recovery. Bottom line, if you want to look hot bad enough, you'll just stop eating all the crap you keep putting in your body. If you don't care that much you'll continue to stuff your face until you're on Half Ton Teen. We all know fat people are just lazy. Step your shit up.

Good luck,

The Betches


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