Dear Betch….

Dear Betches,

I love your blog and I feel like this is the only way to get advice about my dilemma without being judged/ hated for it.

So long story short, I was friends with this guy in high school who, during my freshman year of college, went for an IB program in Canada. When he came to my school for a preview weekend, we hooked up that whole weekend. It wasn't until after he left that he told me he had a girlfriend the whole time so naturally I was pissed and told him so over Skype. Turns out he gets into my school and comes in as a freshman when I'm a sophomore. We get together but after two months, I confronted him on whether or not he wanted to be in a relationship with me and he said no.

Fast forward to about 3 weeks ago, he sends me a Skype message saying that he wants to get back together. So we start hanging out and the feelings are still there but I still held all this resentment towards him and told him so which made me pretty mad and call off everything. A big confrontation and drama. Right now, I'm pretty much over it but I still have all this pent up sexual feelings toward him because we never even got to 2nd base (sad I know). He still turns me on dammit even though he's an asshole.

So my question is: how can I get together with my “ex” physically even though I pretty much called the whole thing off without losing my dignity/ looking too thirsty? He doesn't drink so the chances of a drunk hookup is zero to none. I hope this question is not too complicated hahaha.


Pent Up Sexually

Dear Pent Up Sexually,

Ugh I feel like a broken record. It's time to move on. This. Guy. Does. Not. Want. You. Get the picture? First off, this guy had a girlfriend when he hooked up with you and then told you about it, seemingly unapologetically. That was the first red flag. Any guy who would do this to another girl would do it to you faster than can down a fifth shot of vodka.

Secondly, as if that wasn't bad enough, he continues to hook up with you and then tells you straight out that he doesn't want a relationship with you. Remind me again how a couple who was never together can 'get back together'. Your mention of him as your 'ex' reeks of delusional relationship drama that is additionally, one sided. By 'get back together', he means continue to hook up with you no strings attached.

Stop trying to get together with him because doing so makes you look like a pathetic doormat who will take whatever she can get and hookup with a guy on his terms despite being told BLATANTLY that he is just not into you enough to date you. This question is the opposite of complicated. You already know the answer. Move on and find someone with a higher maturity level who will at least try and fuck you. Also, what the hell are you doing obsessing over someone who doesn't even drink, loser?


The Betches

Dear Betch,

Earlier this year I discovered that I have super unbetchy bone and ligament structure from being a fantastic gymnast all my life. As wonderful as gymnastics was while it lasted, last week I had a totally un-casual surgery to fix my right hip, and I'm struggling to maintain my betchiness while my besties are literally shaving my legs and washing my hair for me. Obvi I was prescribed some decent drugs, the only plus of this whole situation, but I'm started to freak out about living on the second floor of my sorority house on crutches in fall.

How am I supposed to prove to sorostitutes and frat bros alike that I am one of the betchiest if I can't Jump Around with the rest of my Badgers?? How am I supposed to not fuck bros when I have 17 stitches that are totes visible in my bikinis?? Should I pull the pity card at bars? Or be the tough betch that takes nobody's help? Fortunately I am stuck on the couch for two more weeks watching madmen and curb, so I will patiently await your response.


Cripple with a Mind to Party

Dear Cripple with a Mind to Party,

Props for you for finding friends willing to shave your legs and wash your hair for you. It's clear despite your physical disabilities of the moment you're still maintaining your betchy aura. A bestie of mine was crippled while #3 abroad after a skiing accident in Interlaken yet managed to rage with the rest of us for her remaining four months in Europe. And that place doesn't give a shit about being handicap accessible. Use this experience to cut lines at bars and clubs, get out of tests and homework, and an extra excuse to #108 be late. No one yells at a cripple.

When it comes to partying, feel free to wave your crutches in the air like you don't give a shit, because you shouldn't. A true betch knows how to look hot and rage while rocking any ailment. Resilience is a very betchy trait unless involves a lack of access to iced coffee, in which case you should just give up. In terms of hooking up, a chill guy won't care that you're temporarily on crutches. I mean, in all honesty it's better than smelling like shit or having bad breath. At least situation this is acknowledged and temporary. He might even think it was funny. Finally, remember to not give a shit what anyone thinks about your physical limitations. Betchiness is a state of mind. 


The Betches


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