Dear Betch…

Dear Betches,

First of all, luv you guys. Anyways…in like a week I am going back to school for spring semester. Before I left I had my eye on this kid in my dorm. Seriously he is so my type and I like love him without even knowing anything about him, actually I haven't even talked to him. I've seen him out like three times but nothing has really happened, my friend said he's been hooking up with a girl in a diff dorm, but it's nothing serious.

I had like a 5 min convo with him like the night before we left for break but there was like ten people there and it was about selling our books that we didn't need anymore. (i know so lame whatevs). I'm no stranger with talking to guys or anything like that but with this kid I just freeze up and get all weird when I'm around him. i really really really want to get to know him and seriously could see myself with this bro. We just match ya know? idk it might sound psycho that i am this interested in him when I don't even know him but i cant explain the feeling. HELP ME not be awkward and give me an idea of how to approach him?? Either sober, or drunk when were at a party I don't really give a fuck.


Shy Betch

Dear Shy Betch,

I've been wondering what Madison from Swimfan has been up to since 2002 but after reading your letter, I see that she's alive, well, and reading Betches Love This. You sound like a psychopath and honestly, a little stalkerish. Let's look at the wording in your letter and keep in mind that this is a guy you've had a total of five minutes of conversation with regarding textbooks.

“love him without even knowing anything about him”

This sounds crazy. Please reevaluate what love means. This guy could be the biggest loser/freak or like, loves studying and enjoys The Big Bang Theory for all you know. You don't love him. You don't know him. Chill.

“We just match ya know?”

You just said you don't know anything about him. How do you just match? Sounds like you took an extra dose of delusional maniac pills this morning.

“…seriously could see myself with this bro.”

Stop right there. Anyone who says they could see themselves with a guy they don't even know is fucking crazy. This isn't The fucking Wedding Planner. This shit doesn't happen and in real life it's like, really creepy. If this guy knew you were that into him he would probably freak out and change his dorm.

All this being said, you can still be saved. It's okay to have a crush. It is not okay to think you're legitimately in love with someone whose radar you're not even on. The most you can do is show subtle signs that you're interested when HE APPROACHES YOU. Do not approach him. Betches do not hit on guys, they get hit on.

Next time you happen to speak try to look your hottest, be flirty (and hopefully drunk but not wasted) and have lingering (but not a creepy) level of eye contact. It's an art. Guys are very easy and if they're interested in you or think you're attractive they'll talk to you. If they don't they won't. He knows you exist, you're the girl with the scintillating textbook buyback convo. Stop asking people about who he's dating. Stop lingering around his dorm room. Stop fantasizing about the names and boarding schools of your future kids. Live your life and adopt the attitude that if he's as awesome as you think he is he'll find his way to you. You're the prize betch, stop acting like stage 5 delusional dater.


The Betches

P.S. – 5 for creepy spelling of the word love in the first sentence.


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