Dear Betch…

Dear Betch,

So at the start of any semester I, like any true betch, attend each of my classes with the sole purpose of finding hot baseball, football, lax (does it really matter?) bros and casually squeezing myself and my besties into the seats next to them. Naturally, this year I hit it of with a tall blonde lax bro, lets just call him C.

C and I spent a few weeks playing the “friend” game (clearly just waiting for the next time we were both drunk and could rip each others clothes off in tequila ridden stupor). We would get lunch, “study”, and actually talk and shit. Eventually we started meeting up at parties and going home together.

Cue the perfect train wreck of my fucking fairy tale. I finally blow him (I like to get to know the personality behind the penis first) and am devastated to find that C's family jewels don't exactly cash out. And I don't just mean he was a little bit smaller than I'm used to, a fucking baby carrot would have put this thing to shame. Like, aren't males supposed to have evolved past this shit? Where's the justice?

My first instinct was to move on to “bigger” and better things, maybe this makes me shallow but I mean a girl has needs. I can't imagine tootsie rolls measure up when it comes to actually sleeping with the guy. So I make it clear we should “just be friends” and move on with my semester.

Fast forward, it's the end of the semester and I suddenly feel like I have feelings for C. We've still been sitting together in class and will go to lunch occasionally. He has everything else going for him, he's hot, has a great personality, and I actually like hanging out with him. There's just the whole ifeellikeyourpenisisntgoingtofeelsogreatwhenitsinsideme problem. So tell me betches, do I give him another chance? Or just accept that girls with asses like mine shouldn't talk to bros with faces (penises) like his.


Very Small Problems

Dear Very Small Problems,

We've all at one point or another encountered a guy with a baby dick and gone through the mental dilemma of not knowing whether to laugh, cry, or run. I have to say that personally, some of the better sex I've had has been with guys who are on the smaller side of the penile spectrum. I find that they're all too aware of their small dick and generally overcompensate in other departments like going down on you and other shit. The statement that it's not what you have but how you use is legit and unless you have the world's biggest vagina, you should consider giving this bro a chance to prove otherwise.

If he has a small dick AND is shitty in bed then fucking forget it. The sex will be awful and no matter how glorious his personality you'll have to deal with being lightly prodded by his sad excuse for a Lip Smacker sized peen on the reg. 

Remember, having sex with a guy who knows what to do with his smaller penis is better than fucking a cocky big dick bro who assumes his penis is like a fucking lamp plug, he puts it in and you're turned on.


The Betches

PS. Check out this video for some comic relief




Dear betches,

I have a serious problem that only your expert wisdom can help me with. So I'm going to admit it: I'm a classic case of the #66 UGH. In college, I was the best sorority, had a ton of friends, and generally raged pretty hard. In my senior year, I started to go out less (i know thats unbetchy but w/e).

This wasn't really so much of a problem as I still spent a good amount of time first semester going out, but when second semester rolled around I was pretty much non existant on campus – and I mean that in every sense of the word: I was rarely there but one or two days a week, despite the fact that it was 2 hours away from my hometown. Instead of being on campus I would stay at home with my boyfriend, commute to my internship, and come back to campus for the one class I had a week.

Weekends were typically spent at home unless there was a big excuse to party. Keep in mind this whole time I had been kicked out of my sorority for failing to turn in some kind of form to HQ and the rest of the chapter was in deep shit thanks to another unnamed tattle tale sorority. And the whole time, I was constantly focused on helping my boyfriend who was going through a really terrible ordeal that I won't elaborate on here. I know that from the outside looking in its probably really easy to label me as a #151 limbo betch but i promise you I am not – I never stopped caring about my friends, but there was someone else who truly needed my help in a way that I could never explain to them. Over all I remained on good terms with all of them, had an amazing ragefest senior week, graduated, got a great job, and was over all very happy. I have seen most of my friends at various points since graduating, but now there is a reunion coming up and for some reason I can't help but feel like it might not be the place for me.

I still want to be accepted by my friends and I hope that my disappearing act last semester and the fact that we are now so far away from each other hasn't burned the bridges forever. but it seems like i have changed a bit and although I like to go out and have a good time, I'm not really the hard partier that I used to be and I definitely can't go as hard as they do. how
can I retain my relationship with my friends without seeming fair-weather? does any of this even make any sense? i never thought I would actually write in for help from you guys and I'm nervous that one of my friends is going to
see this but PLEASE HELP!!


Looking my Betchiness

Dear Looking for my Betchiness,

When it comes to the UGH, there are many varying situations that often determine how she is treated and what events she is invited to. Granted a lot of betches have boyfriends, but your description sounds like you let your relationship with your friends take a back seat to the one with your BF. Sort of fucked up but not uncommon. It seems like you and your besties drifted apart and you're scared you'll feel awkward and out of the loop when you go to this reunion. You probably will feel both. That's because when you decided to take your weekends and semesters off from raging, these girls only got closer and now you have no idea what the fuck is going on. Also, granted they're not complete idiots, your friends will probably figure out that the only reason you give a shit right now is because a social situation is coming up. Then again, it's not like they hate you or you did something ridiculously offensive (unless you did and they do), it's hard to tell without hearing them talk shit about you behind your back. 

If I were you, I wouldn't go unless you make a serious effort to hang out with your friends and catch up multiple times before then. It won't be that fun if all your friends are much closer to each other than you and see you as some dud outcast that they used to rage with and who can't drink for shit. If it's not something you can leave easily, it might become uncomfortable and you'll have travelled a far distance only to feel like a friendless loser.

On the other hand, reunions are for hanging out with people you used to have fun with and a chance to reconnect with people you haven't seen in a while. So if you're going with the intention of having small talk catch ups with a bunch of your sorority sisters and there will be at least some other girls that aren't BFF with everyone there, why not go and maybe make some more friends that you can forget about again once your boyfriend wants to hang out with you.

Good luck and whatever you choose remember that most people don't give a shit and are just concerned with doing the only thing you're supposed to do at reunions: getting fucked up.


The Betches


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