Dear Betch…

Dear Betch,

This is going to sound completely pathetic, but I have a major issue: I'm a sober betch and I'm turning 21. I haven't gotten drunk (or high) in almost two years, and if my birthday party sucks, the first place I'm heading is a bar. This probably seems totally trite, but as far as I'm concerned, the celebration of my birth might as well be a national holiday. Also, I'd rather not feel like I've completely wasted the past two years of my life not getting wasted. If you could explain to me how to honor my 21st without getting blackout, I'd seriously appreciate it. I'm starting to feel that it's impossible for me to have fun, or throw a decent party, which is really fucking depressing.

At least water has less calories than vodka,

A Sadly Sober Betch

Dear A Sadly Sober Betch,

While I'd sort of like to help you, your letter doesn't make any fucking sense. You say you haven't drank or smoked in two years but then you say if your party sucks you're heading to a bar. You say your birthday should be so big it's a national holiday and then say you prefer to not get wasted. So like make up your mind because you sound about as decisive about wanting to drink as Nolan Ross is about his sexuality.

Throwing a decent party without any alcohol is pretty much impossible unless the guest of honor is 12 years old and even then it would probably suck. The whole point of your 21st birthday is that you're now allowed to drink and should be getting blackout. It's perfectly okay to not drink and it sounds like you're like 2 years sober because of rehab or like morals which is fine and shit, but also pretty boring. Bottom line is that people will have really low expectations for a bday party thrown for Sober Sally so any kind of drinking you do will probably be seen as interesting due to your completely straightedge lifestyle.

You can have fun without drinking, just don't turn it into a fucking public service announcement. Unless you're wildly flaunting your clean lifestyle, everyone at your party will probably be too fucked up to even notice how sober you are.

Good luck,

The Betches

Dear Betch,

I am a freshman fledgling bitch (quickly shedding my nice-girl high school ways) and I have a problem. Basically, I don't really know how to handle attention from boys, since this is new for me.

When do I act on it, and how do I handle maintaining a reputation and stabilizing my group of best friends when I'm kind of boy obsessed? For example, a senior frat bro I'm not attracted to? I turned him down and now these older girls are pissed at me. Hot freshman pledge I've wanted since we first met? I drunkenly hooked up with him a few days ago, even though he may or may not be hooking up with a friend-of-a-friend…and I maybe have accidentally blown off a cute older guy when I was leaving with the freshman.
I guess I don't have very betchy instincts yet and I'm going by how I feel, which isn't always the betchiest way. People assume I know what I'm doing, but I am totally making it up as I go along. Any words of wisdom would be most appreciated!!


Naïve Betch

Dear Naïve Betch,

First of all, no older girls would ever be pissed at you for NOT hooking up with a guy. Unless you're hooking up with someone girls are interested in and therefore jealous of, no one gives a shit who the fuck you hook up with besides you, so cut the self-centered crap and learn lesson one: you will rarely regret NOT hooking up with someone. Why? Because it will only make you seem more desirable to them the longer you reject their advances.

In general, stay away from people's boyfriends or guys who are hooking up with your friend. Read the betch code for a more detailed analysis for what is okay and what's not.

Finally, and most importantly, stop trying so hard. Just live your life and hook up with whoever you want to and stop giving a shit if people think you know what you're doing or you don't. No one actually cares what anyone else is doing and as long as you do whatever the fuck you want and don't give a shit about trying to appear a certain way, people will respect you and you'll be that much closer to achieving betchy perfection. You're in college. Chill. Leave the overanalyzing to the nicegirl who's typing up your lab reports.


The Betches


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