Dear Betch…

Dear Betch,

Being the betch that I am, I like to get blackout drunk and pregame and party a lot, and this is completely the way to live when you're in college.  Some of my friends however, have started to act as though my one friend and I have a problem with drinking and have started acting as frenemies and UGHs and avoiding us and acting passive-aggressive.  As fans of getting wasted and pregaming for any excuse possible, my friend and I like to party 3-4 times a week and once pregamed dinner on a Friday night.  One of our friends, who would always be saying “let's go party this weekend” has started acting like an UGH saying that she doesn't have time to go out with us and then shadily going and partying behind our backs.  My friend and I know that we don't have a problem, as even our day drinking doesn't interfere with the rest of our lives, but we are getting sick of the way some of our friends seem to be judging us and acting passive-aggressive and talking shit about us behind our backs acting like we're alcoholics when they're the ones who can't handle their alcohol.

So I have two questions about this situation:

1.  Should we try to keep our friendships with these UGHs (and if so, what would be the best way to go about convincing them that we don't have a problem and that they need to stop judging us) or should we just go find new friends who aren't going to act like this?

2.  Is there anything we can do (besides feeding them kalteen bars) to one-up them for acting like such passive-aggressive frenemies to us (or would doing anything to 'get back' at them be TTH)?


Alcoholics go to meetings, we go to parties.

Dear Alcoholics go to meetings, we go to parties,

Sometimes when we get older and go to college, we change as people (fascinating). Some people like to rage hard while others are there for different lame reasons like academics and extracurricular activities. There’s nothing wrong with being the latter, nicegirls have been perfecting that art for centuries. However, that’s why God invented sororities…to weed these nicegirls out.

There’s no point in trying to ‘get even’ with someone for not enjoying partying as much as you do. Would you try to get even with your boyfriend for not enjoying getting mani/pedis with you? It’s called differing interests and that’s why people do their own shit. Being in college means you’ll be introduced to hundreds of other people who enjoy your passion for not doing work and vodka sodas on Tuesday mornings. Find new friends who enjoy your habits and let your old friendships casually and subtly disappear like you would a fall 2011 fashion trend. Betches don’t waste precious thoughts trying to avenge nicegirls for being different. Instead we just copy their class notes.


The Betches

Dear Betches,

A serious injustice has been committed on my best friend and I think we need your wisdom. A few weeks ago my besties and I stopped by our friends frat after a long night of drinking at the bar. The party was dying down and they were starting to kick people out, but obvi we're tight with the brothers so they invited us upstairs to smoke a blunt.

Long story short this shady asshole bro (who my bestie sometimes fucks) tackled her to the ground and started wrestling her. While she was on the ground his friend took one of her high heeled off her foot and threw it. The bro who tackled her then left with our other friend to get food.

We were all blackout drunk at this point and my bestie was throwing a fit about her shoes. The bro's friend tried to console her by trying to stick his tongue down her throat. Obvi, she rejected him which made things a little awkward. The brothers promised they would find her shoe in the morning when they cleaned their house and we went home.

I know this story is getting super long but a couple days later we found out that THIS BRO POOPED IN HER SHOE and threw it in the yard. These shoes were not cheap and the way he threw her down on the floor was totally not cool. We've been trying to decide an appropriate punishment but so far haven''t come up with anything inspired. Any thoughts?

Hope my story didn't put you to sleep,

Pissed Betch

Dear Pissed Betch,

Your story is moderately confusing and definitely weird, but I’ll accept that given that this all happened when you were wasted. I’m not exactly what you mean by “threw her down on the floor” or “wrestled her.” Having not been there myself, I’m not sure if this was done in a playful manner or an aggressive one. Being that you and your friend decided to not leave immediately after this altercation, I’m assuming it was somewhat playful.

As a sidenote, unless you’re completely brain dead you must know that guys allow girls to not get kicked out after everyone leaves for the sole reason that they want to fuck them. I mean it’s like, have you never seen an episode of Jersey Shore? These guys don’t bring you back to their house to get your philosophical opinion on the current economic crisis. The only opinion of yours they’re interested in is doggie style or missionary.

After that apparently necessarily reiteration of the lack of existence of guy friends, it’s time to just accept your shit-in shoe as a gift to the party gods. I’m sure they were expensive but that’s why no one with any respect for clothes brings anything fancy to a fucking frat house. They’re not exactly known for their warm and clean hospitality.

My advice to you is to suck it up, accept the fact that your shoes are dunzo, and next time remember that if you’re going to a frat house after hours, there’s a 90% chance you’re going to be either sexually assaulted or endure some sights of unwanted vomit or feces. Lesson learned, thankfully all you had to pay for this class was a shit filled shoe and the respect of a dozen or so frat bros.


The Betches


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