How Do I Deal With My Nice Girl Roommate? Dear Betch…

Dear Betch, 

I have an internship in my college town, and I had to sublet a house with a rando for the summer. She's this mousy, skinny-fat nicegirl who never parties, rarely leaves the house, cooks for like 5 hours a day, fucking CROCHETS, and does her nice guy boyfriend's laundry. Now idgaf about her life so none of this would bother me if she were friendly, but I think she's somehow managed to convince herself that she's superior to me, and she's really condescending. I seriously doubt the problem in our dynamic is me; I'm well-liked on campus, really easy to live with, and I've NEVER had so much as an argument with a roommate before in three years of college. I'm gonna lose my shit if I don't push back a little somehow, so my question is, how can I assert my (rightful) dominance without being obvious about it or coming across as a total psycho? (Not that I care what the shitty Laura Ingalls Wilder knockoff thinks but still, I don't want a lawsuit or anything.)


Driven to Being a BSCB

Dear My Future Roomie,

Holy shit, I haven't laughed this hard in a while. Thank you for that ab workout. Judging by your email, you are most def the winning roommate. Her condescension shouldn't be a concern of yours—she probably thinks she's better than you because she doesn't come home blackout at 5am on a Thursday, but we all know who's going to end up with a bald, fat husband who can't take his eyes off the TV long enough to give a shit about how her day was. When it comes to being condescending, two can play at that game, and like any game betches play (drinking, mind fucks, or otherwise), we play to win. The key is not to overdo it. You want to be just condescending enough that she's like, “Wait, is this girl talking down to me, or is she always like that?” That right there is the key.

You should assert your dominance by doing two things. One, take all the shit you already do that might piss her off and kick it up a notch. Host bigger pregames. Bootycall more SAB's. Come home even drunker than before (but like, don't die). This will show this bitch that she can't kill your vibe. Two, you need to be nice (but shadily condescending) to her. Three (okay, I lied, so there are three things), you need to be a decent enough roommate that although she gets annoyed by you, she doesn't reallyyyy have a right to get mad, either. Like, host a big pregame, but only do it on the weekends. Take out the trash on your own accord sometimes. Don't throw your shit all over the common area (that's what your bedroom is for). Basically, be just enough of a cunt to piss her off but nice enough that she can't call you a bad roommate without looking like a frigid bitch (who looks constipated).

Being a champion passive-aggressive roommate is truly an art form, one that I have perfected over the years. Final tip: “friendly” notes are your best friend.

If you could please leave a window open next time you cook, I'd really appreciate it! :),

The Betches

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