Oh Fuck, Cranberry Juice Doesn’t Actually Cure UTIs

Any betch who’s ever made the cardinal mistake of not peeing immediately after sex has probably at some point felt the burning sensation known as a urinary tract infection, or UTI. You probably never really worried too much about it because you would just pop over to the store and buy some cranberry juice or cranberry capsules and chug that shit until it stopped burning when you peed, right? Right. Well, wrong, actually. Turns out we’ve literally been lied to our entire lives and cranberry juice doesn’t actually treat UTIs. Well that’s just fucking great.

Kick you in the crotch fantastic

So here’s what happened: some researchers gave some women in a nursing home (apologies for the scarring images) cranberry pills to take every day, and some women placebo pills. Basically, when the researchers analyzed urine samples for white blood cells and other signs of infection (sorry again), there was no difference between the two groups. Soooo great. The cranberry didn’t do shit, and everything we thought we knew has been a lie.

How many lies have I been living

Using my basic powers of deductive reasoning, the real-world implications of this study are twofold. First, if you have a habit of not not fucking bros, you might need to budget for more copays to your gyno, since you can’t just OD on cranberry while avoiding the doctor—you’re gonna need antibiotics. What do I look like, a millionaire?

The second, and more important, conclusion to be drawn from this study is that cranberry juice is fucking useless. It doesn’t cure UTIs. It doesn’t help you lose 3 pounds. Who invented this pointless sugar water? Fuck this shit. Somebody call Ocean Spray. I’m never buying this crap again.

Cranberry cocktail


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