Save The Totino’s: Throwing Pizza Rolls At Your S.O. Can Get You Arrested

I’m no police chief or anything, but if I had to guess, I’d say a good bit of people get arrested on the Fourth. DUIs, noise complaints, “accidentally” shooting fireworks at someone’s face, ya know, patriotic shit. Well now we can add assault by way of pizza rolls to that list. For a couple from Bumfuck, Nowhere Gastonia, N.C., shit got a little weird and they were both arrested for throwing microwavable goodness at each other. #merica. I’m just surprised this didn’t happen in Florida.

First, is food fighting like, grounds for arrest in the Carolinas? Again, I’m no legal expert (unless you count having watched all the episodes of Law & Order: SVU, obv), but I feel like there may be bigger fish to fry here. A klan rally to break up? Gender neutral bathrooms that need surveillance? Idk. Second, how fucking hard were they throwing the pizza rolls? I still don’t get how this lands you in jail in the first place, but if it does, they must have been straight launching these fuckers for the cops to get involved.

But I still have so many questions… What brand? Cooked or frozen? Cheese or pepperoni? WTF were you so heated about? Whether or not Trump can make America great again? JK… I have a sneaking suspicion the majority of Gastonia agrees on that one. All I know is that if I had been on the receiving end of this attack, my ass would have just opened my mouth and had a little snack because that shit’s delicious and I’m not trying to waste pizza rolls.


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