I love list-icles as much as the next person who hates actually doing work, which is to say, I tolerate them so long as they continue to amuse me. So last night I was browsing Cosmo, looking for tips on how to get my bf to come using only a nylon stocking and a jelly donut, and then I saw a list-icle called “17 Things to Know Before Dating a Girl Who Loves Food.” At that moment, I truly considered going off the grid and living in a cave in Idaho or some shit. I mean, it worked out semi-okay for Kimmy, right?
Like, okay. I get that we’re all millennials here and we all want to think we’re special snowflakes and our habits are totally ~*quirky*~ and ~*omg so dorkly lolz but also like totez relatable*~, but eating? Eating?? We’ve officially taken things too far. I think it’s safe to say that every single person on this Earth likes to eat because, you know, I hear you need to eat to survive and shit. Also, let’s just drop the charade. Every girl likes to eat. They do. Food is delicious, that’s not the issue. The issue is pretending like you don’t love to eat so you don’t come off as a fatass, or worse, become an actual fatass. So can we stop acting like eating a slice of pizza makes you a lovable weirdo who’s like, “totally not like other girls”?
Let’s take a look at my favorite items from this “article.” And by “favorite,” I mean “most likely to make me bash my head against a wall repeatedly.”
4. Her eyes are most definitely bigger than her stomach. If this didn’t happen to most people who go out to eat at restaurants, taking stuff to go would have never been invented.
6. You will probably gain some weight due to all this awesome eating you’re doing together. Which would totally be the first time anybody in a relationship ever let themselves go.
10. She always has food at home. I mean, shouldn’t everybody living above the poverty line? Even when I’m like “omg I have no food” I can always scrounge up a stray box of pasta or like, a yogurt. I never, like, don’t have food at home.
12. She doesn’t really discriminate and can say with conviction that the best Doritos are Cool Ranch Doritos. So, she does discriminate against Nacho Cheese Doritos is what you’re saying? Or are you saying that even though she likes “fancy” food and “can shuck oysters and open champagne bottles” (#11), she also doesn’t “discriminate” against “plebian” foods like Doritos? Give me a break. Knowing how to open a $6 bottle of Andre doesn’t make you too good for a fucking bag of chips.
16. Strong chance she’ll want to name her baby Kale. Please, please tell me that there are not real people like this out there in the world. Lord help us all.
If that wasn’t rage-bait enough for ya, you can read the full article at Cosmo. Next up: 23 Things Only People Who Blink Understand.