WASHINGTON – On June 26, 2015, the Supreme Court of the United States delivered a landmark ruling regarding same-sex marriage. The Court’s 5-4 decision overturns the remaining bans on same-sex marriage in 14 states, and mandates that same-sex marriage in any state be recognized by all others. President Obama lauded the decision as “Pretty cool, but also kinda gay.”
But for the millions of Republicans and their constituents who oppose gay marriage, the SCOTUS decision is their worst nightmare, brought to life: As they feared all along, the language of the Supreme Court’s ruling requires everyone to get gay married, whether they believe in it or not.
“Thith ith an abomination,” mumbled Republican presidential candidate Ted Cruz, as he gobbled his new husband’s cock. “I’m thick of liberalths and Barrack HUTHEIN Obama cramming the gay ayenda down ow-ah throaths,” Cruz said, eagerly cramming his husband Enrique’s throbbing penis down his throat.
Across the nation, millions awoke to find new faces staring at them from the other twin bed in the room. While some planned to fight the new requirement upon returning from their honeymoons on Fire Island, others were learning how to adapt to the changing social landscape.
“I imagine we’ll be watching a lot more football come fall,” said Rick Hodge, a power line worker in the rural town of Gloucester, VA. “Besides, my wife couldn’t cook for shit. Tom here, he’s a professional chef. We’ll be eatin’ good, watchin’ lotsa sports and fuckin each other in the ass like it’s going out of style!”
Even though the Supreme Court interpreted the intent of the U.S. Constitution to mean that gay marriage is not only mandatory, but the only legal form of marriage, the same misgivings resonate among social conservatives. By opening the floodgates to gay marriage, some argue, the SCOTUS has created a very slippery slope.
“So the Supreme Court shipped me in this gay husband of mine. Great, it’s nice to have such a strong pair of hands around the farm, but where does it end? Can I marry this here horse?” asked Montana Senator Steve Daines, speaking from his Ranch in Butte. “Because I sure do hope so,” he whispered.
Conservative women seem to be handling the mandate better than men, with plenty of women eager to live out their very own versions of Eat, Pray, Love, only with more scissoring. For their part, though, the men remain supportive. When Jeanne Robinson of Calvert County, MD’s government-appointed lesbian wife arrived, her (now former) husband Steve said he offered to console her, though she refused to unlock the bedroom door.
“I heard sounds coming out of that bedroom that I didn’t think humans were capable of making. I guess they were both crying really loud, or something. Women, amirite?”