It has been officially announced that Coach, the brand responsible for the designer bags every teenager threw at LEAST one total betch fit over in 2006, has bought Kate Spade for $2.4 billion (which is about $2.3 billion more than I thought Coach was even worth tbh). Are your ears ringing? That’s the sound of all the world’s trendy betches with a preppy leaning letting out a collective “ew.”
Sure, Coach was once a HHBIC (I’m temporarily defining that as Head Handbag Betch In Charge solely for the purpose of this article), but even in its prime it wasn’t number one. Don’t believe me? Take a look back at Confessions of a Teenage Drama Queen. Carla Santini’s blonde minion carried a Coach bag, which meant they were definitely cool.
Actually, I take it all back. Carla’s minion carried a very obviously FAKE Coach bag, which is just embarrassing overall. I suppose you could extrapolate that Coach was cool and that Life With Derek chick’s character was too poor to afford the real shit, which is honestly pretty depressing. A moment of silence for this povo and her mall kiosk fake.
However, the important part is this: Carla—who we all still aspire to become—carried Burberry, proving that although you were once super pumped to unwrap a Coach wristlet for Christmas or Hanukkah, there was still some richer betch crying that she received a Burberry instead of a Louis. Everyone knows there’s a handbag hierarchy, and although Coach was once a decent middle-ground contender, it’s now fallen flatter than Nicki Minaj’s ass. Like, when your boyfriend got you a Coach wallet for your birthday two years ago, you were convinced that he was cheating on you because he didn’t love you anymore.
Recently, though, Coach has been trying to step up its game. While I appreciate the effort, they’re totally wasting their time. Like, I guess sending their ambassador, Selena Gomez, to the Met Gala with a bag that matches her tattoo is like, a sweet sentiment or whatever, but in a world where all it takes is Kylie Jenner repurposing one of Kris’s bags from the last decade to totally resurrect a brand, it just feels like they’re trying way too hard. If Juicy Couture could make a natural comeback after filing for bankruptcy and selling their shit in Kohl’s, Coach was probably only a few months away from redemption. However, the backlash from this merger is prob going to screw that all up for them, which sucks, I guess.
While I’m definitely in the camp of people trying to decide if this buyout means that I’m supposed to now hate my Kate Spade bag or run back to my parents’ house to fish my Coach clutches out of my childhood closet, I also think that everyone needs to chill TF out. It’s not like Coach is coming for anything too precious. Sure, I’m all for Kate Spade’s witty slogans and chic designs, but when it comes to shit with a pink patent bow, I’ll take a hard pass. Obviously I’m not like, thrilled about this, but I think that anyone freaking out about merging two brands that frequent the clearance section of TJ Maxx needs to look at the bigger picture. It’s not like Eddie Bauer is coming for Gucci or anything. Relax.
If I could compare the Kate Spade and Coach merger to anything, I’d liken it to a hypothetical collaboration between Taylor Swift and Meghan Trainor. It’s something I’m definitely going to roll my eyes over when I first hear the news. The finished product is probably going to involve lots of like, pink flamingos and heart motifs. It’ll be something that really appeals to preteen girls and youngish grandmas who have active social lives in Florida. When it comes on the radio or pops up on a shelf in Bloomingdale’s, I might hum along or take a second glance, but in the end, it’s still tacky and I hate it.
