Betches Love This City: Tel Aviv

Today we honor an abroad destination in the only chic country in the middle east, where betches are allowed to do things like dress slutty and look men in the eye. Sure it may have had rockets fired at it all of last week, but Tel Aviv is such a party place that the minute the sirens stopped, Israeli betches went right back to tanning on the beach, and that's exactly why we honor it today. If you thought your hurricane party was fun, imagine being blackout in a high-tech bomb shelter for a week!

The betch who travels to Tel Aviv is either visiting on birthright for like five hours or she is an abroad JAB who is obviously Jewish and loves that about herself. She will go abroad to Israel and have an amazing time and come home with an engraved Hadaya ring, a nameplate necklace of (what she thinks is) her hebrew name, and forever claim to know everything about middle eastern politics. When a betch comes back from being abroad in Tel Aviv she actually comes home thinking she is fully Israeli and everyone else just doesn't get it! It's my HOME, Birthright just isn't the same!!

During the Day You Should: skip class and go to the beach and get wasted at La La Land, fucking duh. On the one day it rains, you should go spend your shekels Monopoly money while shopping for jewelry at Neve Tzedek, on Shenkin Street for the Israeli stores, or the Ramat Aviv mall if you miss America that much. No matter where you go, be sure to rent a bike so you can take pictures of yourself on it and avoid getting blown up by taking the bus. Your Jewish mother will be grateful for both.

If you're on vaca with your Hasidic parents or something you should do the touristy shit such as go to the shuk and bargain (a Jewish tradition) for menorahs and wholesale hamsa keychains, or like go to Independence Hall and actually learn something…gross.

On the off chance you might want to eat something, if it's breakfast you should do Benedict's and eat shukshuka which is basically like eating nothing; if it's dinner go to Moon for sushi. For American-y salads and sandwiches go to Fresh, and if you're with your parents go to Messa or Herbert Samuel. For froyo you should go to Tamara and if you leave before instagramming yourself on the swings, you're probably like, a native Israeli.

At Night You Should: go #21 clubbing on the Nemal after thoroughly drunk bonding with your cab driver in your joke of a Hebrew accent. Shalowwwm, mah shlowmhaaaa? The clubs are on the port and weirdly change names like every six months but no matter what it's called this week, you can easily cut the line if you just loudly say I'M AN AMERICAN GIRL. Israeli bros love American betches so the easiest way to get a free drink there is to be born here. The best club is obviously Clara which is right on the beach and once it opens in the summer, it's basically the only place you'll be 24/7.

On the one occasion that you late night eat, which no one really does because you have to wear bikinis every day, it should be at Tony Vespa's. But don't, because no one in Israel is fat.

Special events include:

Yom Ha'atzmaut aka Israeli Independence Day – a huge fucking party a la Mardi Gras. If you want to pretend to #117 branch out you can go to the Florentine Street Party with actual Israelis, but most abroad betches will go to a promoted club or villa party with their besties from Michigan, Wisconsin, etc.

Purim – aka Israeli Halloween, where you get to dress just as slutty but not have to deal with obese American customs like eating candy.

Yom Ha'student – One of the few days you'll actually attend the school's campus, this is basically a giant university-sponsored party where they give out school supplies for free such as hookahs, alcohol and condoms. Awful day.

Weekend in Eilat – Eilat is basically Israel's Jersey Shore, so everyone goes for a music festival/Israeli roll-fest in the mountains.

Take more cultural weekend trips to Jerusalem, Tzfat to visit Avraham Leventhal, and Petra, Jordan if you're adventurous and want to see some really chic sand castles. For your insanely long spring break you'll probably go to Europe where you'll feel stressed and freezing the whole time and wish you were back in TLV (and you'll be sure to let everyone you encounter in Barcelona know that).

Drawbacks include:

  • mandatory hangovers at Ulpan
  • Israeli bros who seem really hot and cool until they become excessively aggressive and are trying to marry you (possibly only for a green card) after speaking to you for 10 minutes. Talk about delusional daters.
  • your one friend who actually DOES date an Israeli bro and never shuts up about how amazing his fam's Shabbat dinners are
  • no real #54 iced coffee (sorry Aroma, a frappuccino does not an iced coffee make)
  • no weed because everyone our age is drug tested for the army
  • nothing open on Saturdays due to tons of Shomer Shabbos people
  • this country has more cats than a nicegirl's menagerie




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