Chris Brown Is Probs Going To Jail For Real This Time

Well, he did it again. Chris Brown, who is obviously one of our most stable celebrities, has been arrested for assault with a deadly weapon, which is basically as bad as it sounds.

It all started early Tuesday morning, when an anonymous woman called the cops and said Breezy had just pointed a gun at her head while trying to make her leave his house. Not so good. The cops went to the house to investigate, and Chris just like, wouldn’t come out. It was described as a “standoff,” but the better description is probably “adult-baby takes a few hours to swallow his pride about the fact that he realllllly fucked up this time.”

Eventually, the police came back with a search warrant, and Chris seemed to be a little more cooperative from there. He was arrested and released on $250k bond, which is like paying a parking ticket for someone like Chris Brown. He hasn’t talked about what happened yet, but I’m sure he’ll have his story straight by the time he ends up in court.

The woman did an interview with E! News, where she said that there was someone selling diamond jewelry and watches in the kitchen, and Chris flipped out when she said she liked a diamond cross necklace. She said multiple men tried to escort her out before Chris started pointing the gun at her. We have a lot of questions about this: 1) Why does Chris Brown’s kitchen sound like the market from fucking Aladdin? 2) Who are all these men at the house? 3) Does Breezy have an all-male harem? 4) Who would wear a diamond cross necklace?

So basically Chris Brown is fucked and needs to figure his shit out ASAP. Tbh we’re just glad Rihanna doesn’t have anything to do with this, because she definitely doesn’t need to deal with Chris Brown and Drake crawling up her ass. It’ll probably be like a year before anything happens in this case, so I guess don’t expect any new Chris Brown bangers before then?


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