Hopefully, you’re not a fucking weirdo. Hopefully, you didn’t dress up like Harley Quinn and run down the halls of your apartment to ask unsuspecting strangers for candy. Hopefully, you just took your betchy butt to the nearest Walgreens/CVS/Target/anywhere that sells candy and bought a shitload of Halloween candy on sale.
Regardless, you’re stuck with a surplus of delicious and incredibly fattening candy, which is the best first world problem ever. And, like a good betch should, you’re likely trying to figure out how to chase that candy down into your belly. So we’re here to help.
Here are the best wine pairings for your candy cravings. Enjoy your caloric hangover.
Bubbly: Champagne, Prosecco, Cava
Sugar loves sugar. When sipping on your bubbly, pair it with sugary shit like Nerds, Pixie Sticks, gummy bears and (god forbid) candy corn.
Dry White: Sauvignon Blanc And Pinot Grigio
What makes tart wines more flavorful? SUGAR. But don’t be afraid to try tart and sugary candy, like Sweetarts, with dry white wine. Skittles and Swedish fish are also a good pairing.
Sweet White: Moscato
Popping Starburst and Mike & Ike with a sweet white like Moscato will give your mouth the best orgasm your body has had in ages.
Full White: Chardonnay
As a personal devotee to the wonderful grapes of the Chardonnay region, I boldly declare that all candy tastes good with Chardonnay. But if you insist on being picky, try Butterfingers, Reese’s peanut butter cups, or Hershey’s kisses/bars for a delicious combination.
Light Red Wines: Pinot Noir And Merlot
No better combination than chocolate and red wine, in the history of mankind. For that good chocolate high, try M&M’s, Snickers, and Kit Kat bars with Pinot Noir and Merlot.
Bold Red Wines: Cabernet Sauvignon, Malbec and Syrah
Bold red wine needs equally bold chocolate. Try Twix, Heath Bars, or dark chocolate to wash down with a heavy red wine.
Or, you know, you could just fuck these suggestions and drink all of the wine and eat all of the candy. That works equally well.