The Arrest Report From The Chicago St. Patrick’s Day Parade Is Everything

Put on your green. Get ready to drink an ungodly amount of green beer. It’s fucking St. Patrick’s Day.

But hopefully you can learn from the sins of the Chirish faithful celebrating St. Patrick’s Day last weekend in Chicago. That city-wide party resulted in 7 arrests and 30 ambulance trips. WHOOPS.

Here are the highlights, as eavesdropped from the Chicago police and fire radio:

2:38PM — Man passed out on a motorcycle in the alley. Vroom vroom.

2:44PM — Caller says her neighbor just whacked her with a bottle. She drank the last of the Jameson, damnit.

3:26PM — The intoxicated caller says Subway restaurant employees won’t serve gay people. Fucking Jared ruins EVERYTHING.

4:27PM — Drunk woman wrestling a cab driver in the street. What Would St. Patrick Do?

8:00PM — An Amazon Prime driver rings a doorbell in the 3900 block of Fremont to deliver a package. The drunken customer responds via intercom that he’s going to get his gun and come downstairs. Take that Tide Laundry Detergent and run, Mr. Amazon Prime.

9:28PM — Call for a 32-year-old man who’s having heart trouble after eating a pot brownie.

MIDNIGHT — The caller says he can’t leave Peet’s Coffee & Tea because there are a bunch of guys outside waiting to beat him up. This wouldn’t happen if you went to Starbucks, friend.

12:24AM — An intoxicated human just rear-ended a police car! What a way to cap off your St. Patty’s Day.

From the bottom of our betchy hearts, try not do end up on one of these lists. And if you do, check back for our writeup.


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