Even though Thanksgiving—a holiday whose sole purpose is to reflect upon our blessings and what we feel grateful for in our lives—happened 2.5 seconds ago, I’ve already moved on from the blessed stage to the I’m-being-personally-victimized-by-Ariel-Winter’s-workout-videos stage and I’m ready to talk some serious shit now. And what better category in which to test my shit talking abilities than celebrities on Instagram? If I think about it too much it feels a little like low-hanging fruit, but I’m not really into self reflection rn so whatever. In case you’re just now showing up for one of my articles, you’ll soon know that I
don’t have life follow more celebs on Insta than is actually healthy for a functioning human in society. Lol I’m so random. But out of all the celebrities I follow, there are a select few who like to exorcise their daddy issues test my fucking sanity every damn day of their lives. And if you’re thinking, “oh, but It’s Britney, Betch, why don’t you just unfollow them and save yourself the headache?” then clearly you don’t know me at all because I refuse to do anything that would better my mental health and wellness, fucking duh. Plus, how else would I be able to talk shit about these people if I unfollowed them? Like, what? Am I just supposed to live in the here and now and only focus on the actual humans in my life? Am I just going to leave the thots to their social media thotting?? Nah. I’m not down for that life. So since I refuse to change, let’s talk shit talk celebs on Instagram, shall we? Here are the 6 people we want to unfollow but can’t because otherwise we wouldn’t have any subject matter for our articles:
1. Sarah Hyland
Sarah fucking Hyland. Where do I even begin? If you don’t follow her on Instagram, then you absolutely should not start now. She used to be one of my favorite characters on Modern Family but has since turned into
a raging psychopath one of those girls who can’t stop talking about her boyfriend on social media. As you’ll recall, she now dates Bachelor fan favorite and person whose DMs I had a fighting chance of successfully sliding into, Wells Adams. And by “now dates” I mean literally started dating last week and has not stopped talking about it since. I mean, did I follow Sarah Hyland more closely because she was dating my favorite Bachelorette loser-turned-desperate-bartender? 100 percent. But that doesn’t mean I want to hear about how she sneezed once and he said “bless you” and now he’s the only guy who’s ever treated her so well.
If I wanted to see genuine happiness I wouldn’t be following you on Instagram. Can’t you just post cryptic messages about Wells liking other bitches’ selfies like a normal person?? Which brings me to the second
entry in my burn book person who’s been pissing me off lately…
2. Wells Adams
First of all, Wells, I was rooting for you. We were all rooting for you! Second of all, I don’t believe for one fucking second that this shit will actually last. The moment
the ring calls you through the blood bond and compels you back to Mordor you dump Sarah for a spot on one of ABC’s shitty Bachelor spin-off shows, I’m sure you’ll make it back into my good graces. Until then, I’m unfollowing you I’ll be living my life through your Instagram stories.
3. ‘Are You The One?’ Stars
Obviously, I’m using the term “star” loosely here. The people on this show are less like “stars” and more like a reason for god to smite down humanity and start anew, but you know, tomato, tamato. If you aren’t watching Are You The One?, MTV’s reality dating show/public forum for human trash bags, then like, good for you. I guess you have a healthy sense of self-esteem or something. But if you do watch, then you know this shit is highly addictive. Like, so addictive that after you’ve watched 10 weeks of the human equivalent of pond scum get shitfaced off of Capri Sun and vodka mixed drinks and then see how fast they can
spread an STD try and find love, you’ll actually seek out these people in the real world to know more about their lives after the show. And, yes, I’m aware of how that sentence sounds reading it back. ANYWAY, I follow several of these losers on Instagram, because apparently I think it’s fun to belittle myself by requesting to follow someone whose bio reads “extending my youth.” Fucking kill me now. Tbh I follow far more of them than I care to admit, and because of that, I know that each and every one of them acts like Instagram is their own personal thirst trap playground. I have no idea if they think topless pics with the “edgy” filter will actually land them a deal with SugarBearHair or just dishonor to their family name. Whatever the case, their strategy is for sure working in terms of driving me to the fucking edge. I would say I’d unfollow them, but then how else would I know what Keith, the dumb hot guy that has alcohol and rage problems from season 6, is doing on a Tuesday night?? These are the questions that keep me up at night.
^^An actual perfect match for someone on that godforsaken show.
4. Kylie Jenner
Would it be a list of annoying celebs if a Jenner/Kardashian didn’t make the list? Only in Kris Jenner’s worst nightmares. Tbh Kylie does a lot of shit to land herself on this list, like annoying the shit out of me with 10 minutes of just straight mirror selfie video footage on her Insta story. Or the fact that every time I see her ass cheeks on my newsfeed before 10am, I die a little inside. But the real reason Kylie makes this list today is because she likes to play with my emotions every time she feeds into/denies a pregnancy rumor. Like, ARE YOU PREGNANT OR NAH??? WHAT DO THE LIP KIT COLORS MEAN? I NEED ANSWERS. Honestly, anytime this girl gets on Twitter, posts on Instagram, or throws up a blurry pic of something vaguely resembling the colors blue or pink, I need a Xanax to go to my happy place, because I am far too emotionally invested in
someone who is more plastic than human a celebrity whose claim to fame is “youngest sister of girl who leaked her own sex tape.”
5. Ariel Winter
Ah, another Modern Family star-turned-public-cry-for-help. While Sarah may annoy the shit out of me with her 90-minute long Instagram stories about how in love she is with her boyfriend, Ariel chooses to display her
daddy issues self to the public by testing Instagram’s nudity policy. I love how she really makes it her own, ya know? Seriously, though, I’m pretty sure I’ve seen more of this girl’s naked body than my own, and it’s traumatizing. I guess I have to be grateful, though, because if I didn’t follow Ariel, then how else would I be able to document her weekly cries for help or update her Go Fund Me page to get her a bra?
6. Bella Thorne
What can I say about Bella Thorne other than that she’s the prettiest person I’ve ever known to survive off of a steady diet of bath salts and veganism? Tbh every day I follow this girl on Instagram is another day I realize I actually have my shit together, and that’s v uplifting. Like, I may black out two to four days a week and call my ex from six years ago to tell him that “I don’t even care anymore,” but at least I didn’t show up to my birthday dinner dressed as
a walking STD Poison Ivy like Bella did this year. I’ll take my wins where I can, I guess.