The Sparknotes Version Of Captain America: Civil War, So You Don’t Have To See It

Normally we reserve superhero comic book movies to the bros, but the latest Captain America was honestly so good we’ve decided to break it down in betchy terms. If you haven’t already seen it yet, this article obviously contains spoilers, but if you care about spoilers then you should probably find something else to care about.

So this movie starts where the superheroes are all working together on another mission, but because they’ve got super powers or whatever, they end up killing a bunch of people as collateral damage. All these innocent people dying starts to get to the superheroes, especially Tony Stark aka Iron Man aka the Chuck Bass of the Avengers. He’s usually a bro who doesn’t follow rules, but Gwyneth Paltrow is MIA, which has made Stark very sad and soft. It’s unclear where Pepper Potts is, but she’s probably lost on a marble staircase in a mansion somewhere. 

Everyone’s feeling pretty down about all these innocent dead people except for Captain America who’s like, “sorry, not sorry”. Cap ‘Merica is played by Greek god Chris Evans, and he’s not down to follow rules because he’s a fucking superhero. A bunch of countries get together and ask the Avengers to sign some accords and he’s like no, fuck that. Basically it’s like the Avengers are all in trouble with Standards, but instead of skipping the mixer you’re banned from, you just throw a better fucking party. Which is exactly what Captain America does.

He brings half of the Avengers with him while Iron Man gets the other half. This obviously results in a big fight which is pretty badass to watch. Spider Man makes an appearance and he’s probably the best part of this movie. He’s like a Vine star from the internet with a hot Aunt and Iron Man recruits him to pledge his frat of superheroes and even though he literally won’t shut up while he’s fighting, it’s kind of endearing in a Freshman-from-16-Candles kind of way.

Also, Paul Rudd comes back as Ant Man, and Captain America is actually like, “Who dis?” because Ant Man is probably one of the least memorable superheroes.

Also, mini Mary Kate and Ashley is in this movie as Wanda, the psychic witch girl, and she’s surprisingly normal considering she grew up in the Olsen family.

For an action movie about bros dressed in costumes, this is pretty chill and we would recommend it.


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