While we normally wouldn’t give a shit that Calvin Harris is releasing a new album, you might actually choose to listen to this one sober. Mr. Harris is normally a pregame playlist staple and pretty much nothing else. Like, give us our summer jams and leave us tf alone, Calv. But we recently found out he’s doing a collab with Katy Perry, so our petty radar is going off the fucking chart because, as we all know, Calvin Harris and Katy Perry have a common enemy: pop star/snake in the grass Taylor Swift. Swift is rapidly becoming an enemy of Betches as well, alongside Anne Hathaway and Brie Larsen. Stay tuned. Homegirl is literally one mediocre album away from a very serious roasting.
ICYLUARLY (in case you lived under a rock last year), both Katy and Calvin are victims of the snake that is Taylor Swift, and unlike Kim Kardashian, they have refused to move on. I’ll rehash this beef for you; I’ve got time. SO. Calvin made the disastrous choice of dating Taylor and letting her help write “This Is What You Came For” under a strange, Swedish-sounding pseudonym. Then, he had the audacity to move on after their breakup (which sources indicate was initiated by Taylor anyway), and allow “This Is What You Came For” to become the song of the summer. We all know Taylor refuses to let anything that involves her even tangentially not be completely about her, so she “leaked” that she wrote the hit, even though nobody was really asking.
Katy Perry’s crime against humanity was “stealing” some of Taylor Swift’s backup dancers during her Red tour and refusing to apologize, so Swift had no choice but to publicly release a song slamming her and involve all her friends in it. (But I think we all know that Katy’s real transgression was dating John Mayer after Taylor had dated John Mayer—a crime punishable by death in the Swift-iverse—and the dancers were just a cover-up.)
Calvin clapped back, referencing Katy as someone Taylor had tried to “bury.” This should have been our first clue that an alliance was in the works. This case remained interesting when Katy Perry, who spends most of her time these days dressed as some kind of sexual muppet baby and re-hashing the 2016 election, told Entertainment Weekly, “You can’t mistake kindness for weakness and don’t come for me. Everything has a reaction or a consequence so don’t forget about that. Ok honey?” That sounds like something Kim Kardashian said to Khloé during the “don’t be fucking rude” Bentley episode of KUWTK season 1. AKA: It sounds pretty fucking serious… but also kind of like something you would have said to your middle school nemesis in the cafeteria.
Anybody with eyes can see that we may be on the brink of seeing how Taylor Swift reacts when somebody famous writes a hit song about her for a change. I have a feeling she’s not going to take it well. (See: the time she said Tina Fey and Amy Poehler were going to hell for making fun of her.) And yes, Calvin is also collaborating with Ariana Grande, Travis Scott, Pharrell, John Legend, and Nicki Minaj, but the Katy Perry collab is special. Seems like KP is finally ready to record her “Bad Blood” retaliation song: “Badder Blood.” “Worse Blood”? TBD.
Now sure, maybe Katy Perry and Calvin Harris have things other than Taylor Swift they want to collab and sing about, but I doubt it. I have a feeling that the same rule that governs pregames governs pop music collabs: When two or more people who hate the same person get together, shit will be talked. Honestly, if they don’t take this opportunity to bring Taylor down a peg, Katy and Calvin deserved to be dragged. If Kim K can take matters into her own hands to expose Taylor, so can you. Besides, Katy Perry kind of needs a win after how the 2016 election turned out, and Calvin Harris honestly needs the controversy to stay relevant. In response, Taylor will probably lose her fucking mind and write her own retaliation-to-the-retaliation jam, and then we’ll have like, 25 potential songs of the summer to choose from (in addition to that new DJ Khaled/Biebs/Chance/Quavo track, which is fire). It’s a win for everybody.
Now all we need is Kim K to Snapchat herself singing along with whatever EDM takedown Katy and Calvin put together and all of us can ascend into a heaven on a cloud of Taylor Swift hate.