Obetchuary: Bruiser Woods

All betches are not created equal. And neither are their dogs.

This weekend, the world said goodbye to Bruiser (real name Moonie) Woods, Gemini vegetarian and easily one of the top 5 betchiest dogs to take on Hollywood. He was 18 years old. Not sure if this is in dog years, but whatever.

Elle would not have been the token law school betch without having Bruiser by her side. She clearly would not have been able to handle all the boring TTHs of Harvard without him.

The whole plot of the sequel basically revolved around this tiny 5-pound dog. Famous Hollywood actresses can’t even get sequels written for them. Rumor has it Anne Hathaway was almost replaced in Princess Diaries 2 because she sucks so much.

Bruiser’s Bill was probably more successful than any other legislation that the boring AF politicians are trying to pass now. Maybe if the Supreme Court appointment story had a cute dog’s face attached to it people would give a shit.

We really doubt Reese would have ever gotten that star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame if Bruiser wasn’t so successful. The whole plot of Legally Blonde was kind of dumb in retrospect (sorority girl takes law school? That happens daily when betches don’t know what they’re doing with their lives), but the beloved Chihuahua kept people laughing at so they forgot how dumb and irritating Elle was in the beginning of the movie.

We hope Bruiser never has to hear the words “bend and snap” ever again in heaven. RIP to one of Hollywood’s finest. 


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