Midwesterners rejoice: the Chicago Bears and Green Bay Packers play this weekend in their second rivalry match-up of the year. But here at Betches Love This, we're more concerned with the men in the jerseys getting paid millions of dollars just to throw a ball around: the Bears' Jay Cutler and Packers' Aaron Rodgers.
Cutler and Rodgers are two of the faciest quarterbacks the NFL has to offer, and they're also two of the highest paid–which obviously isn't a coincidence. They both have smokeshow significant others, make headlines for their off-the-field antics, and achieve everything in this life that your douchey high school ex-boyfriend ever wanted.
They're winning at life. Frankly, we don't even care who wins the game. We just want to know: who wins in the showdown of the biggest bro?
So let's take off those helmets, Jay and Aaron. Strip you out of those jerseys. Really cut to the core of you, and finally answer this pressing question of society.
Jay Cutler's wifey is former betch of the week Kristin Cavallari, aka our middle-school betch hero. The Laguna Beach star really hasn't done anything worth noting since that life-changing show ended. She was on Dancing with the Stars for a brief three weeks. She guest starred on a few shitty television shows like Veronica Mars and CSI:NY. She's a “fashion designer” which means she doesn't do shit. Kristin Cavallari is living off of her husband like a betch. Applause.
Aaron Rodgers ain't about that marriage life. The 30-year-old used to be tied to Gossip Girl babe Jessica Szohr, but he's traded her in for the classy Olivia Munn. Rodgers and Munn have been doing the dirty since May, and fingers crossed they stay together to pop out some beautiful Munn-Rodgers children. Munn is best known for playing Sloan Sabbith on The Newsroom, and her character is super smart so she must be super smart too (#logic).
Winner: Aaron Rodgers. Congrats, Aaron, your bae has a successful acting and modeling career, which automatically makes her a winner over party girl Kristin.
Partying Like Some Fratstars
To start things off, there's a tumblr account full of pictures dedicated to how few fucks Jay Cutler gives, complete with pictures of Jay drunk and just looking miserable in everyday life. Jay Cutler can party. When the Bears picked up Jay Cutler, fans in Chicago were worried that his “party lifestyle” would affect the productivity of the team. (Newsflash: Chicago has 50+ Bears bars, and the fans are pointing fingers about partying too hard? Psh.) Plus, as we've already mentioned, he's married to the queen of Laguna Beach partying. He has no choice but to continue his partying ways into his 30's.
Aaron Rodgers can hang, too. He went to the University of California-Berkeley, and as all stoner betches know, NorCal's partying is a different strand…errr, breed. Rodgers has a few drunk pictures circulating on the web, but nothing compared to Cutler. For the most part, Aaron Rodgers has his shit together.
Winner: Jay Cutler. No explanation needed.
Cheesy Ass Commercials
Jay Cutler spends his free time apparently chopping his manhood off and starring in women's clothing commercials…or at least he did in 2012. Cutler posed as a women's fashion guru and critiqued women on their lack of Bears apparel. But other than that questionable role, Cutler has stayed away from the commercial life. He claims he just wants to focus on football, but what self-righteous company puts the man known as Kristin Cavallari's arm candy as the face of their brand?
Discount DAHHH-blecheck. So those State Farm commercials with a bunch of Midwestern hicks who pretend to not know anything about insurance and then magically a quarterback appears and explains everything and the world keeps spinning? They SHOULD be annoying. But they AREN'T. And that is the magic of Aaron Rodgers. He's a commercial god. He's starred in a new State Farm commercial for four seasons. No word on how much he gets paid, but those endorsements are just a cherry on top of his $35 million salary.
Winner: Aaron Rodgers. Rodgers' commercials don't suck, so he beats Cutler's cross-dressing shit.
And the winner is….
Congrats Aaron, you are the bro-iest of the bros. The stuff legends are made of. He's got the bangin' girlfriend, he gets paid millions to talk about insurance commercials for thirty seconds, and he's the face of the entire damn Green Bay Packers franchise.
Aaron, I hope if this article ever reaches you, you're lounging on the Cayman Islands with a Mai Tai in hand, Olivia Munn at your side, and you think, “Fuck yeah. I've made it.”