Betches, we're starting a series called Bro Breakdown, where we profile different types of bros that a betch may encounter and allow to pay for her dinner.
Betches love acronyms and bros, so it stands to reason that when you put those two things together it’s like a betch’s Christmas. Take the SAB for example, that shady behavior wouldn’t be half as acceptable if we didn’t have a neat little acronym to file all that bullshit under. Like imagine if all the betches around the world were going, “So Kevin hasn’t texted me today even though we were supposed to have tentative plans…?” and no one would know that’s classical symptoms of the SAB and we’d all go around thinking we were the only ones.
Moving onto another type of bro that most, if not all, betches are all too well acquainted with: the NJB
Who: The Nice Jewish Boy
What: The JAB’s counterpart (sort of). Probably named either Matt, Josh, David, Ben, Jake…you get the idea.
Occasionally they are named Drake.
Where: The NJB can be found in his natural habitat on the shores of Long Island…okay, on the North shore of Long Island. He is known to flock to Emory, Brandeis, and Tulane like the seagulls in Finding Nemo. Once situated in the jew-niversity of his choosing (or his parents’ choosing), you will most likely find the NJB in either the business school, premed, or prelaw tracks, and a member of AEPi or ZBT.
When: At all times? Running out of relevant things to say but I’m going to ride or die with this 5 W's format.
Why: Because his parents (or more specifically, his mom—keep that info in your head, it will be important) are Jewish. Unless he converted but 9 times out of 10 he didn’t.
Who the NJB is: He may wear a gold chain with a Chai on it or like, the star of David. He may or may not have more chest hair than hair on his head, which if not true now will def become true later on in life (something all JABs have to look forward to). He’s probably hysterical, or in the very least, loaded. Or like his parents are but he'll get there. The NJB def went to summer camp with at least one of your besties and you can play Jewish Geography and find 6 or more mutual friends you have in common, all of whom are from—you guessed it—New York. But not like Queens or anything, ew. There is also a 101% chance that he rocked a Jew fro in middle school or high school, use that info as you see fit.
Who the NJB is not: Don’t let the acronym fool you, NJB’s are nice but they're still just as capable of pulling shady ass behavior, if not more so, than the SAB, given that they’ve been highly trained in the art of Jewish guilt since like the gestation period. Thankfully a betches’ heart is actually just a mass of impenetrable steel so that shit doesn’t work on us anyway. Also beware that if you date a NJB you will probably always come second to his mom. And there’s a good chance he may bring her up on the first date. You know what they say, all stereotypes are based on some truth…somewhere, however deep down it may be.
NJBs in pop culture: Adam Brody, Andrew Garfield, Adam Sandler, Mark Zuckerberg
At the end of the day though, the NJB is at heart a good guy and someone you want in your circle. Unless he’s Donald Sterling, but we’re currently petitioning to rescind his membership from the Tribe anyway.