Hey 2016, we need to talk. I think we should break up. You’re like, a major bummer. Honestly, I think the only reason I’m with you to begin with is because I didn’t realize I could do so much better until now. I just don’t feel like you care about me anymore.
Look, it’s not like I wasn’t hopeful at first. When we first got together in January, I thought I could change you. Sure you seemed like a bit of a gamble with you being an election year, but at least you didn’t have Ebola or planking, and that already seemed like a huge step forward from our last relationships. There were some good times, like when Beyoncé performed at the Super Bowl and when Leo won an Oscar.
But most of the time, you were a terrible boyfriend. You never did anything nice for me and always expected me to make room for you. Like, how many special events can you pack into one year? You insisted on going to Rio for the Olympics, even though I told you you were only going to make a fool of yourself. Ugh, and remember that Zika virus scare? We really should have been more careful. I mean, you should have been more careful.
I honestly wanted to leave you then, but then I would have missed out on watching Game of Thrones with you, and I’ll admit that was kind of fun. But I just feel like I never felt secure when I was with you.
And I’ll never forgive you for taking Prince, David Bowie, Gene Wilder and so many more away from me. Were you really that jealous that you had to make me choose between you and some of the legends? Well, I would have chose them over you any day.
I didn’t want to mention this, but now that we’re talking about being jealous, you were so immature. The mannequin challenge? Really? What was that? Thank god you finally got rid of Vine or I would have been way more embarrassed to be seen with you in public.
And speaking of immature, you’re also kind of a bigot. You made Brexit and the alt-right happen, and I’m sorry, but I just can’t see myself with someone like that. There’s nobody else, I just don’t want to be with you anymore. Tbh, none of my friends really like you either. You’re kind of a bum to be around. So I guess this is goodbye. Please, take your shitty political cycle with you; I don’t need it. And whatever you do, please don’t take any more celebrities with you.