Brad Pitt Would Very Much Like To Be Excluded From This Narrative

We thought it was a hoax, but the worst has been confirmed: Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie really are getting a divorce. How will we survive? Oh wait, I don’t actually care about them that much. Anyway, given that many people are currently accusing him of having an affair with a less hot version of his own wife, Brad Pitt did the unexpected and released a statement. He said: “I am very saddened by this, but what matters most now is the well being of our kids. I kindly ask the press to give them the space they deserve during this challenging time.”

In other words, Brad and the kids would very much like to be excluded from this narrative. Okay, fair. We’ll leave the kids out of it. Especially since I can’t even remember any of their names. Suri, is that one of them? No wait. Shiloh? I think that’s a dog from a movie. Skip? Hold on. IDK. Whatever. Consider yourselves spared.


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