Brad Pitt And Jennifer Aniston Are Basically Back Together

Head Pro texts his exes but it’s totally platonic and it’s kind of unfeminist of you to think that men and women can’t be platonic friends. Email him at headpro@betches.com.

Justin Theroux—actor, director and screenwriter. Soon to be added to that resumé? Cuck—and not in the way alt-right Twitter eggs use it to criticize people they don’t like. I mean in the actual sense of “someone is about to be sleeping with his wife. That’s because, according to the ironclad US Weekly, former dreamboat William Bradley “Brad” Pitt has reportedly started texting his first ex-wife and eternal childless sad person, Jennifer Aniston.

Jennifer Aniston

We all know how this goes. It’s a matter of when, not if.

US Weekly‘s source, perhaps out of deference to Justin, paints this as an issue of emotional support. Brad “has confided in Jen,” reveals the source. Apparently, Brad is having a hard time with his divorce from Angelina, because his divorce from Jen was just a walk in the park I guess, and he and Jen “exchanged a few texts reminiscing about the past.”

Christ, how many times have you—me, us—done this after a breakup? When someone stops touching your (lady)boner, the first place you turn is the last person who willingly touched your (lady)boner. When he’s “reminiscing about the past,” he’s not talking about the weeks they spent kayaking in Fiji. He’s talking about the time he ate her out in the bathroom at TGI Friday’s.

Besides, Brad is acting WAY too thirsty for someone who just needs a shoulder to cry on. He reached out to her with a birthday text, but he didn’t even have her number—he obtained it through a “tangled web of contacts,” which is anonymous source speak for “he slid into her DMs on Instagram.” Below, our visualization of said sliding:

Jennifer Aniston

Have you ever had a guy slide into your DMs and not try to fuck you? I thought not.

Soon-to-be-cucked Justin Theroux is admirably (laughably? pitifully?) taking this on the chin with all the false wokeness a man can muster.

“Justin is OK with them being friends,” notes the insider. Besides, the source adds, he knows “Jen just wants to be nice.”

Ha. Hahahahaha. Bro, your wife’s ex isn’t her prom date or the guy she lost her virginity to. It’s Brad Fucking Pitt. Like, this dude shit all over your wife in the absolute most public way possible. If, even after all these years, her response to his texts is anything other than “go fuck yourself,” or the above “eat a dick,” she’s clearly just as thirsty as he is.

RIP, Justin Theroux’s pride.

Head Pro texts his exes but it’s totally platonic and it’s kind of unfeminist of you to think that men and women can’t be platonic friends. Email him at headpro@betches.com.

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