Angelina Jolie Divorces Brad Pitt For Allegedly Sleeping With Less Hot Version Of Her

It’s finally happened, the end of love as we know it. We never saw it coming, but now it’s apparently real: Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie are getting a divorce. What, you mean a couple that got together as a product of infidelity wasn’t necessarily the most stable? I am truly, truly shocked.

In all seriousness, though, Brangelina had been together since 2004 (even though they were actually only married 2 years ago), which is like, 3 lifetimes in celebrity years. After adopting more children than some small countries have people, you’d think they’d be in it for life whether they liked it or not, but apparently that wasn’t the case. Angelina reportedly filed for divorce on September 15th—a whole 5 fucking days ago, how are we just now hearing this? She cited “irreconcilable differences,” which is basically the legal equivalent of the ¯_(ツ)_/¯ emoji. 

Sources close to TMZ—so like, random internet conspirators, probably—say Angelina was fed up with Brad’s parenting, saying “she was extremely upset with his methods.” I feel like if Angelina Jolie, a woman who once wore Billy Bob Thornton’s blood in a vial around her neck, is upset with your parenting you’re either doing something incredibly wrong or incredibly right. Like, it’s really hard to judge based off of her standards. But what do I know. 

HOWEVER, Page Six is reporting that there was a third woman, and it was—wait for it—Marion Cotillard. Another mysterious “source” told The Post that Angelina hired a P.I. and discovered Brad was cheating on her with Marion. Okay, just a fucking second, Brad. Are you really going to cheat on your hot wife with another woman who has basically all the same physical features as your hot wife? Like, if you’re going to fuck up the lives of your 10,000 children, could you at least switch it up?

Marion Cotillard and Angelina Jolie

We’ll have to wait for more info to come out to see if this affair is legit, but seeing as how Brad cheated on Jennifer Aniston with Angelina in the first place, approximately 0 people on Earth would put it past him. Angelina’s reportedly asking for physical custody of the kids and giving Brad visitation. She’s not asking for spousal support because obviously they’re both super fucking loaded. 

Now that Brangelina’s dunzo, it’s up to the Obamas, John Legend and Chrissy Teigen, and Beyoncé and Jay Z to stay together to prove true love does exist. Don’t let us down.


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