Asshole Boyfriend Sends Girlfriend Psychotic Going-Out Checklist

As someone who kept dating her high school boyfriend into freshman year, I can tell you that it’s a terrible fucking idea. Your parents and teachers and other boring people will tell you college is for learning blah blah, but everyone knows it’s really about getting blackout drunk and hooking up with strangers and making questionable moral decisions. And a relationship is a major cock block for all of these things. Obvi. But just in case you needed more evidence that being in a relationship in college fucking sucks, some poor girl posted some batshit crazy texts she got from her boyfriend with rules for going out. I just can’t even with this rn. But I’m gonna try to break it down anyway. Bring on the vodka.

There’s so much wrong with this I don’t even know where to start, but I’m gonna go with him being named Hot Stud Muffin *emojis* in this chick’s phone. I get it. This is supposed to be about how much of a dick the guy is, but like, it can’t go without mention. Maybe change it to Piece of Shit before putting him on blast on the internet next time. Idk maybe that’s just me.

Okay, back to the asshole: What’s is with the all caps and repetition? Chill tf out, bro. Although, I agree with sentence #4. Mo drinking? Will do, asshat. Next is the “I’ve always been a tremendously good person” bit. I mean, have you? Cuz based on this encyclopedia entry of a text, I beg to fucking differ. You’re kinda the worst. But also, who says that about themselves? Even Gandhi and the Pope are probs like yeah I mean I guess I’m alright. Because “tremendously good” people are usually at least a little humble. And what’s with the “you are to answer” bullshit? Who tf are you? Morgan Freeman? He’s the only person who can get away with talking like that.

Morgan Freeman I am God

The middle is so fucking stupid I’m not even going to analyze it, so that brings me to part where 9:30 is when she can guess when she’ll be getting home. LOL. That’s a funny story. Has anything in college even started by 9:30? From what I can remember, which is very little btw, I’m thinking no. Finally, there’s “I don’t know why I allow this.” Well, the fact that she’s your girlfriend and not your slave is a good place to start. Fucking douche.


I just don’t understand where this guy gets off talking to anyone (besides a pledge) like this, let alone his girlfriend. Homegirl can do whatever tf she wants. Here’s hoping she dumped this loser the second after she documented how awful he is and then fucked one of his friends at her party. Because that’s college and revenge and karma all in one.

boy bye


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