74. Bottled Water

Between our incessant drinking and partying, betches rarely have time to ingest anything that's not loaded with chemicals, poisons, and/or caffeine. With that we introduce to you the only pure thing we have any sort of affinity towards: bottled water.

No matter how pure the tap water in your city, water fountains are for the homeless and those who work at their soup kitchens. Because it's the only pure thing we digest, we need to make sure that our water is expensive and super elite.


Expensive bottled water is a status symbol. So what if it all tastes the fucking same and is basically all from the same spring in Connecticut? If you tell a betch this, be prepared for her to tell you to shut the fuck up and join a protest if you’re going to be annoying. So what if we pay $5 at a movie theatre for a bottle of Dasani, which is really no more pure than the ice in your Diet Coke? Between that and the $7 peanut M & M’s we’ll be throwing up later, there are only so many ways to show everyone you’re better than them in a dark movie theatre.

Besides being a DJ, producing bottled water has to be the easiest fucking way in the world to make money. We're brainwashed into thinking that any one bottle is different from any of the others, but go to your local upstate bumblefuck spring, fill up a plastic bottle, slap on a fancy label with some mountains and trees and shit and voila, you have a $3 bottle of your grandma's bath water.

In case this isn't already obvious, purified tap water is latin for cheap fucking bitch. Brita is NOT betchy. You have to spend time changing the filter and filling it up, which involves doing work, which we don't do. Also, a way to decrease the cost of drinking my favorite water? No fucking thank you. I'm as likely to do that as I am to care about the plastic I'm wasting. If you’re walking around with store brand bottled water you might as well just get the fuck out of town before people start pitying you and letting you know when they’ll be cleaning out their closets so you can have their last season Tory Burch flats.


SnookiPoor water


The choice really comes down, not to expensive or less expensive, but to what kind of vibe you’re trying to give off. Am I in a pretentious mood and about to ask our garçon for a Pellegrino? Am I feeling the sleek, trendy look of Voss? Or do I just want to relax next to the picturesque view of the Fiji Mountains?

So betches, remember, the only time you can be seen drinking tap water is when it’s in a boiling hot mug with lemon, and that’s only if it’s your fucking meal for the day. As famous bro Nelson Mandela once said, “Let there be work, bread, water, and salt for all.” Betches are so selfless that we only want one out of those four things. Be betchy, be pure, be green. Drink bottled water.



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