We’re in full-swing August now, which means it’s too hot to breathe, let alone like, leave my apartment to do shit. But August is also the month where all my shows and my will to live goes on sabbatical until October. It’s like the TV executives who make these v important decisions don’t realize people are counting on them? It’s fucking rude. So in the meantime what am I supposed to do here? Converse with my peers? Date people? EXERCISE?? Nope. Not into it. I’m going to continue doing what I do best, which is to live my best life sit on my ass and avoid reality. And if it can’t be done through watching 5-6 hours of Olivia Benson doing far too much detective work for a police sergeant and tracking down perps, then it will be through the literary equivalent. I’m sort of a book slut so I know my shit when it comes to books that don’t suck. So buckle up, betches, here are 7 books to binge read until your fave fall TV shows come back on:
1. If You Watch Broad City…
Read Animals by Emma Jane Unsworth
Just reading about this shit show of a dynamic female duo will make you feel drunk. Laura and Tyler are long-time besties and the girls in your friend group whose livers you are secretly praying for. They’ve been getting into some rowdy shit for years until Laura gets engaged and is suddenly pulled between marriage (ew) and her BFF’s hard partying ways. If you consider yourself more Broad City than Girls (i.e. more ratchet than spoiled and narcissistic) then this is definitely the book for you. Even though I can’t imagine a world where Abbi or Ilana would give up their lifestyles in the name of settling down, Unsworth knows her shit and portrays this ride-or-die friendship in a way that will hold you over until your favorite fictional besties come back on TV at the end of August.
2. If You Watch The Handmaid’s Tale…
Read Sex Object by Jessica Valenti
It’s similar to The Handmaid’s Tale in that it’ll make you want to set the next male you come into contact with on fire, but different in that it’s not a work of fiction it’s real fucking life. *Takes slow, calming breath* Sex Object is a memoir about growing up as a woman in this dumpster fire of a world. Any betch living in NYC dealing with subway trolls—or just men trolls in general—will fucking love this book. And though the narrative may feel more real for us city betches, literally any person with a womb should read it. It’s v humorous and also way too fucking real. My only advice is to maybe not read this book if you suffer from rage blackouts or before swiping on Bumble.
3. If You Watch Law & Order SVU…
Read Find Her by Lisa Gardner
Betchy co-ed, Flora, gets kidnapped by a psychopathic pervert during a ratchet night out on spring break and the next 472 days of her life is literally every bad thing our mothers ever warned us about. Seven years after she escapes from captivity, Flora is out for fucking blood and is taking down scummy club bros and potential roofie rapists in between vodka sodas at the bar. But then another college coed goes missing and Flora is suspect number one for the crime. Told through alternating perspectives, Flora’s and wannabe Olivia Benson Detective D.D. Warren’s, the story is real AF, and just as addictive as spending an entire Sunday hungover binge-watching Law & Order: SVU episodes.
4. If You Watch Riverdale…
Read Addicted To You by Krista & Becca Ritchie
If you like watching TV shows with ridiculously pretty people and an even more ridiculous plot lines (Hi) then you have to read Addicted To You. It’s about a bunch of rich hedonistic college kids living their best lives. Think all of the Bughead angsty love but if, like, Veronica was a sex addict and Jughead was an alcoholic. Tell me you don’t want to read that shit. TELL ME.
5. If You Watch Drunk History…
Read It Ended Badly by Jennifer Wright
If you don’t watch Drunk History then I don’t know what you’re doing with your life. There’s nothing that brings me more joy than watching average to semi-famous people get shit-faced and try and teach you a history lesson. Literally nothing. Jesus, I need better hobbies. It Ended Badly is the literary equivalent of the show, minus all the alcohol (though I 100 percent recommend drinking and reading, fucking duh). The book is a collection of nonfiction essays about the worst breakups throughout history and let me just tell you that shit is juicy. You thought Rob and Chyna’s breakup was crazy? Wait until you read about Rome’s Emperor Nero and his breakup with one of his wives. There’s castration, a slave boy, and drag involved—shit is crazy.
6. If You Watch Scream Queens…
Read Final Girls by Riley Sager
I’ve never felt more personally victimized than when I found out Scream Queens would not be coming back for a third season. My responses in my group texts are about to get a whole lot less savage let me just tell you. THANKS, FOX. Thank god there’s Final Girls by Riley Sagar, aka Scream Queens’ campy, horror book equivalent. The book is all about Quincy Carpenter, lone survivor of a horror movie–scale massacre and newest club member of the world’s saddest sorority: the Final Girls. Honestly, I dare you not to read Quincey’s lines in Chanel Oberlin’s voice. Dare you. Anyways, the Final Girls are made up of similar real-life horror movie survivors until each member starts to get murdered. Now Quincy has to annoying shit like relive her past lest she end up next on the killer’s list.
7. If You Watch Are You The One?…
Read I Had A Nice Time & Other Lies by The Betches
Honestly you should read this book if you don’t want to end up on the trashiest island MTV could buy, hooking up with human garbage for potential Instagram likes. Save yourself now and read this book. We’ll give you advice on anything from which dating app will help you meet your husband and which one will likely result in your date wearing your skin as a suit to how to trick your Bumble hookup into being FB official. You’re welcome.
