4. Birthdays

Ask any betch what her favorite day of the year is, and she’ll for sure say, “My birthday, obvs!” Birthdays are a chance for betches to dress way nicer than everyone else, celebrate the fact that they’re still young and hot, and host a big party for all their friends! Every betch knows that the birthday pregame is always wayyyyy better than the birthday party itself, and you’re only as betchy as the number of people who refuse to respond to your Facebook invite because you didn’t respond to theirs. Awaiting reply? See ya there! Maybe attending? Hmm… Go fuck yourself.

lindsloIt's probably not LinzLo'ss bday, but what a great pic!!

First comes the matter of how to word the Facebook birthday invitation. It has to be somewhat clever, so people think you’re funny, but not too clever that it seems like you actually put any effort into it. Always appoint two or more of your best betches as admins, and make sure one of them invites the bro you like so he doesn’t think you actually want him there. Betches never look desperate. And of course, tell your besties to come at least a half hour early so it looks like you have tons of friends when your outer circle betches arrive (also extra time to #1 talk shit!).

Birthdays are also a great time to ask your parents for random shit, not that they don’t usually give you random shit anyway. While the rest of the world gets a day, a betch's birthday can last almost an entire week. A birthday pregame might be enough for some, but betches prefer to have a birthday brunch, birthday dinner, birthday party, sometimes even a birthday vacation (at least on the big years, like 10, 12, 13, 16, 18, 21, 25, and every subsequent age ending in 0 or 5). These events can go on for days, weeks, months… until it’s time for the next betch’s birthday! Last but not least, it’s important to mention that proper betch etiquette dictates that betches never exchange actual birthday gifts. No, gifts are meant to come from mommy and daddy, so all the other betches just chip in and buy alcohol for the birthday betch at every celebratory event. Happy birthday betches!

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