Birk Alert: How To Feel About Birkenstocks

For years Birkenstocks had been relegated to the sidelines of fashion, known mostly as “the ugly sandals that lesbians wear.” Recently, they’ve made this weird high-fashion debut. Designers are hopping on the Birk-wagon, peddling similar styles as part of their spring lines.

What’s a betch to do when caught in the dilemma between their redeeming qualities of comfort and, strangely, high fashion while also acknowledging that they’re still really fugly?

Suggestion: treat them as you would your Uggs. That’s right, Birkenstocks are the Uggs of summer.

A few stoner betches I know have been preaching about the positive qualities of Birenstocks for years. Still, I couldn’t get over their clunky, chunkiness or the fact they remind me of camping, which is gross. After I saw the umpteenth photo of a hot model betch wearing them, I succumbed to the Birk and had to give them a shot.

Like Uggs, you’re not really going to wear Birks to make your outfit (unless you’re actually a model then you can wear whatever you want and still be hot AF). They’re a utility only-type shoe. Hungover and need iced coffee stat? Slip on your Birks and hit the nearest Starbucks. Feet literally screaming after a night of heels in the club? Birk the grocery store to get Advil. And, yes, I’m now using “Birk” as a verb. They might be super ugly, but you can’t deny that comfortable arch support.

The other similarity between Birks and Uggs is the cost. Just like how you’ll shell out $150 bucks for Uggs even though they aren’t that cute and you can’t really wear them to work or when going out, Birks are $100 sandals that you wear sparingly and out of necessity. Having Birks lets people know you’re rich enough to buy shoes you know you aren’t going to be able to wear all year (even though you might want to because they’re honestly so comfortable).

That being said, avoid the urge to turn to the dark side of wearing them always. Yes, it’s like walking on a cloud, but no, they don’t make you look hot. In fact, you probably go from like a 10 to a 6 while wearing them. Also, never wear your Birks with socks. We’re trying to avoid that middle-aged dad at a soccer game look. Say no to dad bods and dad footwear.

They’re ugly, we get it, but you can only wear your heels for so long before they permanently disfigure your feet. Wear sparingly and you can keep your love for weed and granola on the DL.


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