As a female, we’re constantly under pressure to become successful unemotional power bitches while maintaining a hot bod and chic Instagram. But at the same time we’re completely powerless to nature fucking with us every month. Will April showers bring May insufferable cramps and spontaneous bouts of tears for absolutely no reason? As if that’s not enough, we’re also expected to just accept the bodies we receive (until our parents finance our plastic surgeries of course). Like, great, thanks God for these huge fucking bags of sand attached to my chest, they’ll really do wonders for my nicknames in high school. With that we bring you the top 10 struggles of a big boobed betch:
1. You’re like so sexual
Having big boobs is great sometimes because you get a lot of attention. But the attention is always sexual and often extremely uncomfortable. Even walking down the street feels awkward because it’s like, “Why's everyone staring at me? Omg is my eyeliner running?” and then you realize your tits are frantically waving hello at everyone.
You also have to face the simple fact that everything you wear will be sexual. Unless your turtleneck is 11 inches thick, your boobs are going to be poking out of them, both men and women will stare. And don’t even dare try the sheer trend for Spring.
2. working out hurts double
Heavy duty support my ass Nike. I can’t just do it because it fucking hurts. Even after wearing two to three bras at once I’ve learned that the best form of support while running is just the old fashion cupping.
Do you like yoga? Do you also like to be slapped in the face with a nipple during downward dog? Didn’t think so.
3. no dainty or lacy bras/bathing suits
Victoria’s only secret is that she’s a raging bitch. Could you employ your scientists and figure out a way to make a 32F with a thin strap? Or at least throw some lace on there? Oh you that’s right you don’t make anything bigger than a DD, I have to go to Saks or Bloomingdales and have a Polish woman measure me with her creepy, cold fingers.
Then the bathing suits. You want to tan as much boob as possible but then you look like you’re DTF. So you wear the bathing suit that covers up your boobs… and you might as well smear some sunscreen on your nose. Don’t bother rubbing it in because you already look like someone's great aunt.
4. Every morning is a rescue mission
You don’t sleep with a bra on because science said it’s bad for you and you'd take any opportunity to take that shit off. A big boobed betch really understands the meaning of liberty during that fateful moment when the bra unhooks. But when you wake up it’s legitimately confusing how your boob managed to wind up on outside of your tight tank top.
5. 90% chance all of your conversations with men have been with yourself
Unfortunately most men have trouble listening to anything you say. Not because you’re a moron, but because they spent the duration either looking at your boobs or thinking about how they’re going to sneak a glance at your boobs. On the bright side, if you are a moron, they probably never noticed.
6. good luck finding clothes for work
I actually know a girl whose button on her Equipment shirt bust open during an interview and went flying into her employer’s eye.
7. you can literally never miss your mouth when you eat
You have to pay close attention to your fork when you eat because if you miss that food will ALWAYS land on your shirt. The boobs act like a fucking tray and unless you plan to put your napkin on your top like a bib, wearing white out to dinner is rarely a good idea.
8. the thought of being pregnant scares the shit out of you
Theres an 80% chance you will not be a dainty pregnant woman. We’ve all seen Kim Kardashian pregnant. Your boobs are big enough as they are, imagine them being filled with heavy cream.
9. chic jackets and blazers can go fuck themselves
I seriously can’t. The sizes, they just don’t work. I get the size that fits my arms, it doesn’t fall on the right spot on my body. I get the size that fits my body I look like Godzilla in a hot pink blazer from the side.
10. Being described as busty, curvy, or top heavy makes you feel like a fat ass.
But really. I’m skinny yet I have to buy large tops. The last thing I need are magazines telling me the halter tops really accentuate my curvy body. The only thing curvy is going to be your editor’s dick after I hit it with the belt that’ll “really make the most of my slender waist.”