People Actually Think Beyoncé Kidnapped Sia

Literally, I’m so done with the internet lately. Between the never ending slough of comments on the upcoming election (#SaveUs), stupid fucking 100 layers of makeup videos, and the world’s obsession with Pokémon Go, I’ve about fucking had it with the world wide web. It wasn’t until last Friday, just as I was about to leave work with the intention of becoming so obliterated that I forgot the internet even exists, that I saw an article on BuzzFeed outlining the Brazilian fan theory that Beyoncé has kidnapped Sia and is forcing her to write music while being held in a “subterranean lair” somewhere.

Amber Rose WTF

Seriously, what? This is literally the most insane/dumb thing I’ve ever heard in my entire life and I sat through all 2 hours and 42 minutes of Avatar. The theory suggests Beyoncé’s holding Sia hostage and forcing her to write music and beats her if she doesn’t comply. They’re saying that’s why Sia wears those huge wigs—to hide the bruises.

Mean Girls full of secrets

Delusional fans have even started combing through Sia’s past tweets to see if she’s been trying to hint she might need help in any way. One person even flat out tweeted the fucking FBI that Sia “is in danger”. Others are tweeting at Queen Bey, demanding she release Sia from captivity. Truthfully though, getting kidnapped by Beyoncé doesn’t sound so bad. Yeah, like, getting hit probably sucks but I bet her basement is nicer than my entire house so, like, I’ll take it.

Apparently this whole thing stemmed from a Billboard article (from a fucking year ago) where Sia talked about what it was like working with Beyoncé. She referred to it as sort of “like a writing camp” because “she’s very Frankenstein when she comes to the songs, taking bits and pieces from various songwriters and asking to hear them mixed together.” The writing camp, crazy internet freaks have hypothesized, is apparently the equivalent of a “dungeon, secret room, or bunker.” 

Teresa Giudice Eye Roll

The only thing I really have to say about this is, where is anyone finding the time to be this stupid and can they share it? I’d love to have more free space in my schedule of being an actual human with a job where these losers can just play on their computers all day and fuck with the lives of people they don’t even know. Lmk.


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