Twitter is full of betches if you know where to look. But we know you don’t like to do work, so we went ahead and did it for you. Here’s the betchiest tweets of the week from comedians around the internet. Your timeline just got funnier, you’re welcome.
Getting a lower back tattoo that reads “link in bio”
— *~julio torres~* (@juliothesquare) October 15, 2015
after i orgasm i like to shout, “FIRST”
— Nicole Turkey Conlan (@NicoleConlan) November 11, 2015
What does it mean if men on the street tell you to frown???
— Alise Morales (@fatlise) November 7, 2015
Hanging out with my friend and her new baby and “there’s a bottle in the fridge” means something different now.
— Alison Leiby (@AlisonLeiby) November 15, 2015
married people who miss being single, when’s the last time you showed up at a bar and your husband was 4 inches shorter than he said he was?
— Claire Downs (@clairecdowns) July 8, 2015
You can tell who’s rich if they say “we had money but weren’t by any means RICH…” because their parents made them memorize that sentence
— Ashley Skidmore (@Shhhhhhley) October 28, 2015
Fuuuuuuck quick someone be my girlfriend so I can hit the delivery minimum at this restaurant
— Mike Abrusci (@mikeabrusci) November 11, 2015