BETCHOCRACY 2016: Debating Ourselves To Death

This week on the campaign trail, everyone was in full on desperation mode because Iowa is in THREE DAYS. That’s right. This Monday, we’ll finally have some actual voting results after the last nine months of endless talking. Just in time for the Caucuses, this week featured debates from both parties, and they didn’t disappoint.


The Democrats had a last-minute debate on Monday night, and while Martin O’Malley is still showing up to these things, everybody really only cares about Hillary and Bernie. Their poll numbers in Iowa have been getting super close, so everyone is basically just waiting to see what will happen. There were the usual topics like health care and the environment, but also a great moment when Hillary was asked who she sees as our most influential president and she said Abraham Lincoln, which must be a slap in the face to her husband, who happens to have been president for eight years.


The Republicans had their last pre-Iowa debate on Thursday night, and the biggest news was about who wasn’t there. Donald Trump very publicly decided skip the debate and instead hold an event in Iowa for wounded veterans or something. This left the rest of the candidates with not that much to talk about, so they basically just decided to talk about Donald Trump the whole time. Ted Cruz tried to insult everyone like Donald, and then Jeb said that he’s “like a teddy bear to me.” Oh Jeb, why do you open your mouth? Overall, Trump still got 20% more attention on social media than anyone else during the debate, so his poll numbers probably won’t suffer too much.


Though Donald’s solo event on Thursday was supposed to be about veterans, it was really exactly what you would expect from an event that featured him standing alone on a stage with a microphone: he shit talked the other candidates the whole fucking time. The best moment of the evening was when he called Rick Santorum and Mike Huckabee, who didn’t have the poll numbers required to make it to the debate, up on stage. They both looked so uncomfortable, sort of like when a kid gets called up to volunteer at a magic show and looks like they’re about to shit their pants on stage. Whatever, Donald had his fun and we’re sure he’ll be back for the next debate.


Iowa will be over on Monday, but everyone’s attention will turn immediately to New Hampshire. Hillary really wants to have a debate next week in NH, but the problem is that it hasn’t yet been sanctioned by the DNC. Apparently this means that participants could get in trouble, so Bernie is saying he doesn’t want to do it, though this probably has more to do with the fact that he’s already leading the polls in NH. But now Bernie has said that he wants three more debates, at unspecified dates. Let’s face it, we’re all going to die watching primary debates this spring.


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