Betches Love This Movie: Ted

Needless to say Ted was a gift to the metaphorical jet set, as well as Family Guy fans and fluffy fetishists all across the globe. We don't need to go on about how hilarious it was because we thought it was fucking hilarious and that is that. We're also pleased to credit Seth McFarlane with making the most original movie we've seen not only this year, but since Disney released it on VHS in 1999.

Now, we here at Betches Love This are all for #36 not doing work, but we're also for enlightenment so we're going let you in on the secret that you've all seen this movie before. Yes, everyone has. From your old ass grandparents to the residents of North Korea, this plot has been gypped straight from Annie, minus the gratuitous gay cameo by Ryan Reynolds.

It's the classic tale of a fuzzy ginger living a hard knock life as an inanimate object, without anyone who gave a shit about him, until one lucky day he found his caretaker, a lonely bro who lived in a gigantic room with lots of toys. On stormy nights they would sing songs like Fuck You Thunder (The Sun Will Come Out Tomorrow edit) and promised to be together forever. These two spent their finer days going on Dusenberg blunt cruises and seeing stoner talkies.

[The one fundamental plot inconsistency which nearly derailed our comparison was that instead of an old stray dog, Ted was bequeathed a pure-bred designer bong. We later realized this was a “man's best friend” kind of joke.]

As Marky Wahlbucks aged and his hair thinned he needed to overcome his intimacy issues. It was time to lock down the woman who took care of his every need, including but not limited to filling out teddy bear adoption paperwork and cleaning the whole house, even the stripper dung. Mila Kunis was perfect for this role as the obedient girlfriend who stayed faithful even though she could've totally traded up for the boss with the giant white house, formerly known as FDR.

Naturally little orphan Teddie isn't too happy and gets angsty about third wheeling it with his adoptive fam. This vaguely leads to a plot wherein two crazy people who aren't married to each other (but definitely fuck) act like he is their “family” whom they've missed so much so they kidnap him. Of course he escapes which results in a dramatic car chase and then an extremely pointless, dangerous climb to the top of something scary. But in the end everything is okay because no one wants to watch a sequel about gingers in the afterlife.

So betches, it's pretty clear. Ted is the Annie of a much more stoned and sophisticated generation. Best remake I've ever seen. …but then again in the immortal words of Ted, you shouldn't trust us, we're on drugs.


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