For our second adventure into the Ivies, we bring you a school that's arguably the betchiest of them all. We say this mostly because it's private, located in an actual city, and you don't have to be a rocket scientist to go. Not only that, but Ben Franklin was rewarded for founding it with his very own line of currency – which went right back to the school via the parents who donated libraries and conference rooms to get their kids in. For that reason Penn is a metropolis of betch culture, where we can study things like Comm and Sociology and how to find a husband so you can have kids who will also go to Penn.
Engineering – For the enginerds. No one knows them because they spend all of their time isolated on the edge of campus in a place deemed Engineering Land, where the national language is Java. In the unlikely event that one happens to leave the library or the chem lab they are easily identified by their glasses, sandals, Penn sweatpants, and low self esteem. They will likely be extremely pale due to living in the library or being Asian.
Nursing – For the betches who wanted to make sure they could get into Penn. We wouldn’t trust them to nurse our hangovers.
Arts and Sciences – “The School of Arts and Crafts” houses everyone else who wants to either study economics, get into law or med school, or the freaks who want a liberal arts education and study some bullshit like Art Therapy. Everyone thinks this is the easiest school (because nursing doesn't count), which is why you should absolutely try to be in it.
Wharton – The easiest place to find a #166 investment banker bro or an OCD betch. They think they’re the shit because they will live a Wallstreet-esque existence once they graduate (if they can pass OPIM). Whartonites like to remind you that they go to Wharton as often as a betch likes to bring herself up in conversation.
Every coked out betch needs a place to call home, or maybe just a place to walk around in her workout clothes before not going to the gym. Top sororities are Theta, TriDelta for WASBs, SDT for JABs, and AChiO for athletes.
Even betchier than being in a sorority is being in Tabard because it's off-campus, full of chic foreigners and during pledging they get treated like absolute shit, being forced to wear their hair like trolls and carry around secret lunchboxes which bros try to steal from them.
THEOS and OZ are off campus frats, which means they were expelled at one point for being idiotic so they think they’re better than the actual frats, but really they just have more Hamptons houses, male models, and Horace Mann students. Theos likes to tweet about being #rich and holds a lot of Chancellor day parties. Their biggest one is on Fling to compete with Zete's petting zoo for best non-Quad activity.
Foreign bros join Owls or Zete. You find the Jewish bros in APES (the more recent off-campus nickname for AEPi) or in Sammy or ZBT…or Theos or Oz…or Phi Delt…basically anywhere but St. A's.
What To Do During The Day
A membership to the gym, Pottruck is included in Penn’s tuition. Contrary to what we wish, this isn't a truck that sells pot. Because everyone at Penn is #5 skinny, the gym is a huge scene, so betches who don't want anyone to see them on the elliptical go all the way upstairs and pretend to avoid walking through the bros' basketball games.
Locust Walk looks like a fucking J.Crew catalogue and it’s the best place to like, walk.
Rittenhouse Square is the only classy part of Philly where you can get a mani/pedi, hair, and wax done with some shopping in between.
If you've already recovered from your hangover and done all the above and are desperately bored, the best place to be seen on a Sunday morning is Van Pelt. During midterms and finals week VP could use a bouncer to kick out the students who legit sleep in the library to save their desks. Everyone knows the importance of getting a table and bottle service in Rosengarten. Betches get really territorial about where they “study” but what they really care about is making sure no one can see them railing lines of Adderall off the desk. After you've done that, standing in line at Mark’s for a coffee is an ideal place to socialize and bitch about how you’ll “neverrr finish the 20-page essay that you juustttt started.”
What To Do At Night
Smokey Joe’s or “Smoke's” is a classic Tuesday night when Kweder performs classics that betches will sometimes sing along to. You will probably lose your coat along with every other betch who thought it was a good idea to throw her identical jacket in the same place. There's no way anyone's gonna look in THIS corner, right!?
If you’ve been to one shitty club in Philly you’ve been to them all, but people throw “downtown” parties at ridiculous places that they claim are exclusive by letting people in slowly and pretending to give a shit about IDs.
After a downtown it’s crucial to attend the “late night.” Zete or Owls often throw these because both have massive houses and if you haven’t raged hard enough yet then you can find a table, couch or window to show off your skanky dance moves in front of everyone significant.
A late night can be followed by drunken pizza at Lorenzo’s for authenticity or at Allegro’s on campus for convenience.
Bros like to be bro-y by getting a cheesesteak at 2 am at the famous joints like Pat’s or Gino’s. There’s a rivalry between the two, which is basically as relevant as any sports rivalry. The thought of a cheesesteak alone is at least 100 calories.
Spring Fling – This is the time that betches invite their besties from Cornell, Michigan and sleepaway camp to come visit because it's basically a carnival themed children’s birthday party with a shit ton of alcohol. Between jumping in moon bounces, drunkenly petting animals at Zete, and passing out in the Quad, Spring Fling is one of the best activities at Penn that no one remembers. Even though the weekend event culminates in a concert, it’s cray if you can get out of bed to attend it.
Homecoming – Pretend to give a shit about football by drinking all day and throwing toast at the mascot. It’s like a perfect metaphor for our thoughts on sports and carbs.
Hey Day – Juniors are “inaugurated” into senior year and everyone dresses up in hats and canes. If you're lucky you'll get one of those canes that's actually a flask and obviously not let ketchup anywhere near you.
Where to Live
Freshman year – Living in the Quad is crucial because not only does it give you a home inside Fling, but you can walk through basically the whole building to find your friends, a critical pro during winter. It’s in the center of campus too so waking up five minutes before class is an option.
Hill House had a frozen yogurt machine in its cafeteria for a minute, but otherwise living there is social suicide for freshman betches.
Sophomore year and later – Live off campus. The Radian is a newer apartment building, but not at all like the High Rises, where you don't want to live. The Radian is also in a pretty central location, but more importantly attached to Jimmy Johns giving you easy access to unwiches.
Beige Block is super popular and thusly a super competitive place to find a house (read: a former crack den that Penn students must attempt to make livable for several years). There are some great stoops on which to sit and spectate a drive-by shooting.
Magic Carpet Truck – all betches like to pretend that the tofu meatball has no carbs, fat, or calories, but, in truth, it’s probably made of crack based on the line around the block to order it.
Bui’s Food Truck – ideal for a hungover breakfast since you can text your order to Mr. or Mrs. Bui
The Greek Lady Salad takes like three days to consume, God forbid you eat it in one day. Gia Pronto or Sweet Green for one-day salads.
Pod – when a betch needs her sushi she has the option of this Steven Starr restaurant. Sometimes locals show up to the joint for a special occasion like a birthday or sweet sixteen, but betches just go after the gym in sweatpants.
Everyone goes abroad in the fall, either to Australia or to Prague/London/Rome/Barcelona/Belgium, and reconvene for a drunken weekend at Oktoberfest.
Fly out to Puerta Vallarta or anywhere in Mexico that’s not fully engaged in civil war.
Things To Do Before You Graduate
– Get a shout out in 34th Street
– Have sex under the button and/or in stacks of the library
– Make out with Kweder on a Tuesday night at Smoke’s
– Hook up with the bro who wins Big Man On Campus (BMOC), where bros dance to classics like Grease and dress in drag. Swoon.
– Drunkenly steal a bunny from the petting zoo at Fling
There are some legit crack dens around Beige Block. If the locals aren’t on drugs or selling them, then they’re probably robbing you. It’s important to acknowledge the difference between the gunshots and the fun shots in West Philadelphia. However a true betch will make like the Fresh Prince and get the hell out of there after four years.